Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #444

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the pota- to should go in the front.
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tis- sues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neigh- bors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the
whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girl- friend: Me or foot- ball?!
11p.m.ISMSmy girlfriend: You of course.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard.... really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, ‘My name isJohnandIam an alcoholic’?
Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and the world suddenly
stops smiling.
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I could- n’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
Two men are dis- cussing their lives. One says, "I’m get- ting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”
The other one says, "Hey, I’m get- ting divorced for the same reasons."
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apol- ogizes the embar- rassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
The Search Is On For Woman Who Fell Over Board On A Carnival Cruise
Family mem- bers of the woman who fell overboard a Carnival Cruise from New Orleans spoke to a Lafayette television sta- tion Wednesday.
According to a report from KLFY, Marilyn Winfrey said her daughter Juwan na Brooks fell overboard on Jan. 21 near
the coast of Mexico. Winfrey says her daugh- ter was cruising with her hus- band as a Christmas pres- ent.
Monday, the cruise line said that a 44-year- old woman “was seen going overboard” from the Carnival Triumph into the Gulf of Mexico Sunday.
The spokesper- son said that search and res- cue operations are underway for the missing woman and the Mexican Navy is in charge of the search.
“I just want to believe that they’re going to find something, I just want to be able to put her to rest,” Winfrey said.
iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine