Page 16 - IAV Digital Magazine #405

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An elderly couple are at the cinema...
About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the par- rot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry mar- tini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight atten- dants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the air- plane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
A Native American asked
his chief about the com- ing winter. "How bad will this winter be?" He asked.
"It is good to be pre- pared. Get some fire- wood ready" replied the chief.
The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"
The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter"
The chief then told his people what the meteor- ologist said. A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.
"Well," said the meteorol- ogist, "its gonna be worse than we thought this year."
Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.
Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, "how bad will this winter be?"
The meteorologist said "it's gonna be worse than we thought"
The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him "how do you get such accurate informa- tion?"
"Well, we have teams of scientists that study pat- terns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much fire- wood the native Americans put out"
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decid- ed to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in- law was twenty-two,
wore very tight mini- skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliber- ate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invita- tions' she said.
She was alone when I arrived, she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me and she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I could- n't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was stand- ing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'My Son, we are very happy that you have passed our lit- tle test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
I know pretty well how batteries must feel
I'm rarely ever included in things either.
Texas Woman Sports British Accent After Surgery
By Doug Criss
(CNN)Lisa Alamia is a Texan, through and through. But you would- n't know it when she opens her mouth to speak.
She had surgery on her lower jaw a few months ago, and she's had a British accent ever since.
"I didn't notice it at first," said Alamia, who is of Mexican heritage. "But my husband told me I was talking funny. My surgeon thought it was just a physical result of the surgery and that it would go away as I healed."
But it didn't, so she ended up seeing Dr. Toby Yaltho, a Houston neurologist.
Rare condition He diagnosed her with foreign accent syn- drome, an extremely rare condition in which people speak with a dif- ferent accent, usually after some kind of head trauma or stroke. In some cases, like Alamia's, there's no clear cause.
There's only been about 100 known cases of for- eign accent syndrome in the past 100 years, Yaltho told CNN affiliate
KTRK.
"Most neurologists work their entire careers and never come across (this)," he said.
Yaltho gave Alamia a complete neurological exam and determined she didn't have a brain injury, hadn't suffered a stroke and didn't have any complications from her surgery.
Foreign accent syn- drome is an extremely rare condition in which brain injuries change a person's speech pat- terns, giving them a dif- ferent accent. The first known case was report- ed in 1941, when a Norwegian woman suf- fered shrapnel injuries to the brain during a German bombing run -- and started speaking with a German accent.
"It's an impairment of motor control," Dr. Karen Croot, one of the few experts in foreign accent syndrome, told CNN in 2013. "Speech is one of the most com- plicated things we do, and there are a lot of brain centers involved in coordinating a lot of moving parts. If one or more of them are dam- aged, that can affect the timing, melody and ten- sion of their speech.
"In a sense, it's not a
communication impair- ment; a person can make themselves understood perfectly well."
But foreign accent syn- drome can be psycho- logically difficult for suf- ferers.
"There can be a lack of understanding of how difficult it can be for the person with the acquired accent," Croot said. "There's sort of a response of, 'get rid of the accent; stop putting it on; go back.' If you think about your own accent, it's a part of your identity. Changing your accent projects a different identity."
Alamia said Yaltho told her there's "something going on in my brain that is triggering the accent."
Alamia's doing speech therapy to try to get her old voice back, and that's helped a little, but if her Texas drawl never returns, she's OK with that, too.
"I'm completely comfort- able staying how I am," Alamia told KTRK.
"The accent doesn't define who I am. I'm still the same person I was before surgery; I just talk differently."
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