Page 39 - flip book- How To Survive Baby Loss

Identity—Not Just a Parent of Child Loss

arly on, I knew that my identity had been defined in be-
Ecoming the mother of a toddler girl and baby boy, then we
lost our son. I began to over identify as a parent of child loss all
the more just wishing death of my child was not my story. My
sense of purpose was in question, shaken. I was struggling with
my identity. My identity that had been wrapped up in our son
joining the family was instead filled with an empty crib and
empty arms. I was actually getting great sleep when I “should”
be dealing with a season of sleep deprivation. My breasts were
prepared for nursing, without a baby to nurse. I clung to the
song, “You Say” by Lauren Daigle, because it spoke of the iden-
tity God gives. “What is” is hard to deal with because you’re
coping with what “should’ve been”. Do everything you can to
reject the idea that you are incomplete as a mom or dad, be-
cause your child is not physically with you. The role of parent
was yours the moment they were conceived. Nothing can take
that away. Nothing! It’s about processing your new reality from
your dreams and expectations.
My friend told me my cup is “full of Christ” right after our
third loss because we were still glorifying God in our pain and
loss. That was the highest compliment, but then three weeks
later, I had a full-blown adult tantrum. Tears. Crying. Unkind
words to family. Through that extreme up and down process, I
learned something important in my grief journey. I am depend-
ing on the Source. The Source is Jesus and this dependence was
found in abiding in Jesus, being plugged into His electric love.

In John 15:5, Jesus says, “I am the Vine; you are the branches.
Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit,
for apart from me you can do nothing.” Abide means a place of
connection, dependence, and staying in the source. What life
source are you connected to?

In the beginning you may experience not wanting any other
identity besides being your child’s mother or father. That is the
only thing you see yourself as. Grief can give you a different
identity, just do not let it become your whole identity. You need
to realize that your identity is more than child loss; more than
being a grieving mother or father. If you don’t have a founda-

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