Page 14 - Reedley Exponent 4-5-18 E-edition

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TheReedleyExponent AB64Thursday,April5,2018
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Times like this, all I need are the right words
I get the call; “an indi- vidual will soon pass away in Room 308. e family
is here, please come to the room.” I head to Room 308 praying as I walk for God to give me the right words to say to the people I will shortly encounter. Working in a retirement community you get to be around people who are in the last days of their life. e hardest part about this is to know what is appro- priate to say. We will all
be faced with this at some point in our lives. In my 20 plus years in social work and as an administrator, I have had numerous op- portunities to be in the situation of talking with not only the person who is
By Ro Linscheid
conversation as best you
can.
It is important to be
a good listener. Listen to what your loved one wants to say. Have them tell you how they are feeling and identify what is important to them. Ask them to tell you ways you can support them. You may be asked to do something concrete like take care of some house- hold chores or you may be asked to simply stay and be a friend.
Everyone approaches his or her own morality di erently. Some people want to make amends for broken relationships, some want to look back on their accomplishments, and some will dwell on regrets. It is important for the per- son to talk about what they are dealing with and be the sounding board for them to process it. Some topics you could use at this time are sharing memories of times together. Have your loved one tell you about lessons learned in life. ey may want to share about legacies they have left. In all conversations, let your loved one know they have importance in your life.
Do not avoid talking about death. Conversa- tion about it is normal. Wondering together about what comes next is normal. It is all right not to know all the answers. Maybe you could facilitate a meeting with a Pastor or a Chaplin if your loved one wants to
have a deeper conversation about God and the after-
life.
Avoid giving your loved one false assurances. Nobody bene ts from this. Itisnotagoodideato overwhelm your loved one with your own grief. Of- ten, our emotions mirror those of the person with whom we are talking. is can be a beautiful touch- ing time or it can make the situation harder.
WhatdoIsaytothe caregiver of someone who is dying? e husband, wife or family member is also struggling with grief and sense of loss. Again, it is important to show your support by allowing them to talk about this experi- ence. Let the caregiver take the lead to express feelings and their di cul- ties. ey need listening ears that are not judgmen- tal but will listen with em- pathy and sympathy. e caregiver may need help and is not comfortable asking for it. Be sensitive to their situation and o er help as you can. You may be asked to do something concrete such as grocery shopping, cleaning the house or something else. You may be just the right person to be the listen- ing supportive friend that helps and supports the caregiver emotionally.
At Sierra View Homes Retirement Com- munity, we have some peo- ple who are dealing with
cancer and other diseases that will bring the end to their life sooner than they want it. We are working and walking alongside them. Our Chaplin makes regular visits allowing the discussion of God, Jesus and Heaven to happen. Our Social Service people o er a listening ear and try to make requests a reality. e families are encouraged to be with the resident allowing time to reminisce and to say, “I love you.”
We invite the families of people who have passed away to come to a Memo- rial Service held every three months to remember their loved one and to
help us all nd closure. We celebrate the life of each individual. At the service, we share something about each person making each life signi cant. Sta is invited to make comments since we become so close to the residents.
I know how di cult it is to talk with someone who will die soon. Being the supportive friend of a family member is di cult. I encourage you not to distance yourself, but take on the challenge and come along side of your loved one. All too soon, this time is gone. Do not let your window to say, “I love you, I forgive you, thank you, and or please forgive” me disappear into regret.
at the end of his/her life, but also with the families struggling with their own grief. In this article, I want to discuss some aspects of the right words to be sup- portive and helpful.
It is important to re- member it is not about you as we encounter this situ- ation. Discussing the issue of dying is uncomfortable, but be willing to talk if your loved one wants to
Now What?
bring up the topic because they are uncomfortable too. e person who is dy- ing knows what is happen- ing. Let that person take the lead when it is time
to talk about dying. Com- munication happens with more than speech. Just you being present may o er tremendous support. I often nd that the resident wants to talk about death and the family puts a limit on such talk.
When conversation does start up. Dr. Ira By- cok, professor of palliative medicine at Dartmouth- Hitchcock Medical Center says, “dying people typi- cally want to hear and to say four things: Please forgive me, I forgive you, thank you and I love you.” She also repeatedly em- phasizes how important it is that you stay aware of what they want to say and to keep your own feelings and emotions out of the
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