Page 147 - RSDG Year of 2022 CREST

Jim Maclachlan
“[Jim Maclachlan] is a blunt instrument wielded by a Government Department...Audiences will tend to dislike him until they get to know him and then they will appreciate that he is their idea of an efficient [Officer]. In his relationship with women, he shows the same qualities as he does in his job[...]” – An extract from Capt J Maclachlan’s 2RO/a memorandum
from Ian Fleming on the character of 007.
The name’s Maclachlan. Jim Maclachlan.
Jim’s journey to the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards started long before the RSBs of CC173: much like his secret agent doppelgänger, he was Head Boy of Fettes College, after which he shunned the social norms of attending university and moved directly to the fertile lands of London as an estate agent. We know these biographical points because they featured heavily on his door-CV at RMAS, and not because they form the backbone of his personality. Both the schooling, and his attendance to the university of life were instru- mental in shaping this man into the dashing young cavalry officer he became: the acquired pseudonym of “Titch” gave him a licence to disconcert women with the genuinely disturbingly small size of his hands, and it remains no coincidence that his School Motto of “industria” was perfectly embodied by one of its greatest sons (outside of Tony Blair).
Introduced to the then Colonel-of-the-Regiment, Brigadier Allfrey, over supper: the Colonel advised that he might better be suited to life as an infantry officer. Always a man of sterling first-impressions, the implacable Jim saw this as a challenge to his birth- right, and in September 2018 (following a notably well-executed ambush) he duly commissioned into the SCOTS DG.
His first day at Regiment began well, seeing the RSM (“Robbo”) offering to put a small hammer through his head for not grinding down his capbadge or wearing a nametape: as always, characterised by his charm, elan, and steal-your-girl confidence, the great take away for Jim was the absolute flattery that the RSM already knew his name.
It is safe to say that in past life, Jim would have objected to the mechanisation of weaving looms. His aversion to technology spanned from somehow being able to avoid having a work email account for well over his first 12 months (no mean feat), all the way through
to an odd distaste for the wearing of gloves or use of warm kit: thrust into the role of OPFOR commander within weeks of arriving at RD, he narrowly avoided hypothermia in the summer weight sleeping bag, used in a Dumfrieshire winter (a problem of kit issue and absolutely not bad admin).
Jim took Light Cavalry Crew Commanders with all of the unflappable poise that would become his regimental trademark, and in short order he found himself once more back at Regimental Duty as 1st Tp Ldr, C Sqn. MST for Op CABRIT 6 awaited: Jim’s popularity spiked quickly, especially following a misreading of Range Standing Orders leading to a Sqn trip to McDonalds rather than an ACMT. With the steady hand of Sgt McQuarrie at his side, Jim deployed 1st Troop in fine form to Poland. In keeping with his nickname, and a flagrant disregard for financial prudence, Jim, along with Jack Blackhall, purchased from the infamous “Polish Nick”, an electric blue Fiat 126 (“the J-Bus”). Never one to be characterised as flagrant spending, the J-Bus enjoyed one outing to a spa hotel for the weekend, before being driven back with Jim leaning out of the passenger window holding the cylinder head on with his hand. To this day, the J-bus remains outside the back gate of Bemowo- Piski camp, a solemn reminder of well-intentioned subaltern spending, and a likely regular haunt for polish dirty-mike and the boys. Mess legend has it that he never once checked a payslip, but one should never allow the truth to get in the way of a good story.
Unfortunately, Jim’s return to the UK following CABRIT was not met with the pomp and ceremony of a man befitting his station: rather, COVID-19 awaited. A stint pulling his weight through MACA taskings, saw him finally disgorged into a WESSEX STORM, working in tandem with his new Troop Sergeant, Sgt Tipling, Jim’s troop went on to score a substantial number of kills against a QRH MBT Sqn, dying heroically on the wrong side of a blown bridge. A man of tactical command over desk-work any day, Jim demonstrated that he was far more gifted than amateur, concluding his troop leading time on such a strong showing.
Spewed from Troop Leading into Sqn 2IC of A Sqn, Jim would face his greatest challenge to date: Microsoft Office. However, with the secrets of Ctrl-C, and Ctrl-V unlocked, he very quickly demonstrated that he had the knack for effective staff work, and began the herculean task of readying A Sqn for deployment on Ex DIAMONDBACK, only to have the opportunity cruelly snatched away from him after all the labour had been completed. With great power, comes great capacity for holding an audience: caught on the right day, Jim
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