Page 190 - of-human-bondage-

who sometimes engaged him in conversation. The gentle
oath, the violent adjective, which are typical of our language
and which he had cultivated before as a sign of manliness,
he now elaborately eschewed.
Having settled the whole matter to his satisfaction he
sought to put it out of his mind, but that was more easily
said than done; and he could not prevent the regrets nor
stifle the misgivings which sometimes tormented him. He
was so young and had so few friends that immortality had
no particular attractions for him, and he was able without
trouble to give up belief in it; but there was one thing which
made him wretched; he told himself that he was unreason-
able, he tried to laugh himself out of such pathos; but the
tears really came to his eyes when he thought that he would
never see again the beautiful mother whose love for him had
grown more precious as the years since her death passed
on. And sometimes, as though the influence of innumerable
ancestors, Godfearing and devout, were working in him un-
consciously, there seized him a panic fear that perhaps after
all it was all true, and there was, up there behind the blue
sky, a jealous God who would punish in everlasting flames
the atheist. At these times his reason could offer him no
help, he imagined the anguish of a physical torment which
would last endlessly, he felt quite sick with fear and burst
into a violent sweat. At last he would say to himself desper-
ately:
‘After all, it’s not my fault. I can’t force myself to believe.
If there is a God after all and he punishes me because I hon-
estly don’t believe in Him I can’t help it.’

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