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little something I could get at immediately if I wanted it, but
I don’t think I shall live very much longer now.’
‘Oh, my dear, don’t say that. Why, of course you’re going
to live for ever. I can’t possibly spare you.’
‘Oh, I’m not sorry.’ Her voice broke and she hid her eyes,
but in a moment, drying them, she smiled bravely. ‘At first, I
used to pray to God that He might not take me first, because
I didn’t want your uncle to be left alone, I didn’t want him to
have all the suffering, but now I know that it wouldn’t mean
so much to your uncle as it would mean to me. He wants
to live more than I do, I’ve never been the wife he wanted,
and I daresay he’d marry again if anything happened to me.
So I should like to go first. You don’t think it’s selfish of me,
Philip, do you? But I couldn’t bear it if he went.’
Philip kissed her wrinkled, thin cheek. He did not know
why the sight he had of that overwhelming love made him
feel strangely ashamed. It was incomprehensible that she
should care so much for a man who was so indifferent, so
selfish, so grossly self-indulgent; and he divined dimly that
in her heart she knew his indifference and his selfishness,
knew them and loved him humbly all the same.
‘You will take the money, Philip?’ she said, gently strok-
ing his hand. ‘I know you can do without it, but it’ll give
me so much happiness. I’ve always wanted to do something
for you. You see, I never had a child of my own, and I’ve
loved you as if you were my son. When you were a little boy,
though I knew it was wicked, I used to wish almost that you
might be ill, so that I could nurse you day and night. But
you were only ill once and then it was at school. I should so

0 Of Human Bondage