Page 470 - of-human-bondage-

would sympathise with him in order to receive sympathy.
His instinct was not to go near the hospital for a week, when
the affair would be no more thought of, but, because he hat-
ed so much to go just then, he went: he wanted to inflict
suffering upon himself. He forgot for the moment his max-
im of life to follow his inclinations with due regard for the
policeman round the corner; or, if he acted in accordance
with it, there must have been some strange morbidity in his
nature which made him take a grim pleasure in self-tor-
ture.
But later on, when he had endured the ordeal to which
he forced himself, going out into the night after the noisy
conversation in the smoking-room, he was seized with a
feeling of utter loneliness. He seemed to himself absurd and
futile. He had an urgent need of consolation, and the temp-
tation to see Mildred was irresistible. He thought bitterly
that there was small chance of consolation from her; but he
wanted to see her even if he did not speak to her; after all,
she was a waitress and would be obliged to serve him. She
was the only person in the world he cared for. There was no
use in hiding that fact from himself. Of course it would be
humiliating to go back to the shop as though nothing had
happened, but he had not much self-respect left. Though he
would not confess it to himself, he had hoped each day that
she would write to him; she knew that a letter addressed to
the hospital would find him; but she had not written: it was
evident that she cared nothing if she saw him again or not.
And he kept on repeating to himself:
‘I must see her. I must see her.’