Page 432 - the-idiot

his enthusiasm. I was not corrupting him! But I must leave
him, too— I wanted to leave them all—there was not one
of them—not one! I wanted to be a man of action—I had a
right to be. Oh! what a lot of things I wanted! Now I want
nothing; I renounce all my wants; I swore to myself that I
would want nothing; let them seek the truth without me!
Yes, nature is full of mockery! Why’—he continued with
sudden warmth—‘does she create the choicest beings only
to mock at them? The only human being who is recognized
as perfect, when nature showed him to mankind, was given
the mission to say things which have caused the shedding
of so much blood that it would have drowned mankind if
it had all been shed at once! Oh! it is better for me to die! I
should tell some dreadful lie too; nature would so contrive
it! I have corrupted nobody. I wanted to live for the hap-
piness of all men, to find and spread the truth. I used to
look out of my window at the wall of Meyer’s house, and
say to myself that if I could speak for a quarter of an hour
I would convince the whole world, and now for once in my
life I have come into contact with ... you—if not with the
others! And what is the result? Nothing! The sole result is
that you despise me! Therefore I must be a fool, I am use-
less, it is time I disappeared! And I shall leave not even a
memory! Not a sound, not a trace, not a single deed! I have
not spread a single truth! ... Do not laugh at the fool! Forget
him! Forget him forever! I beseech you, do not be so cruel as
to remember! Do you know that if I were not consumptive,
I would kill myself?’
Though he seemed to wish to say much more, he became

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