Page 816 - the-idiot

of proportion either, and that is the chief thing. I know it
would be much better if I were always to sit still and say
nothing. When I do so, I appear to be quite a sensible sort
of a person, and what’s more, I think about things. But now
I must speak; it is better that I should. I began to speak be-
cause you looked so kindly at me; you have such a beautiful
face. I promised Aglaya Ivanovna yesterday that I would not
speak all the evening.’
‘Really?’ said the old man, smiling.
‘But, at times, I can’t help thinking that I am. wrong in
feeling so about it, you know. Sincerity is more important
than elocution, isn’t it?’
‘Sometimes.’
‘I want to explain all to you—everything—everything!
I know you think me Utopian, don’t you—an idealist? Oh,
no! I’m not, indeed—my ideas are all so simple. You don’t
believe me? You are smiling. Do you know, I am sometimes
very wicked—for I lose my faith? This evening as I came
here, I thought to myself, ‘What shall I talk about? How am
I to begin, so that they may be able to understand partially,
at all events?’ How afraid I was— dreadfully afraid! And
yet, how COULD I be afraid—was it not shameful of me?
Was I afraid of finding a bottomless abyss of empty selfish-
ness? Ah! that’s why I am so happy at this moment, because
I find there is no bottomless abyss at all—but good, healthy
material, full of life.
‘It is not such a very dreadful circumstance that we are
odd people, is it? For we really are odd, you know—careless,
reckless, easily wearied of anything. We don’t look thor-

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