Page 169 - the-brothers-karamazov

I’ll sit beside you and look at you, and go on talking. You
shall keep quiet and I’ll go on talking, for the time has
come. But on reflection, you know, I’d better speak quietly,
for here — here — you can never tell what ears are listening.
I will explain everything; as they say, ‘the story will be con-
tinued.’ Why have I been longing for you? Why have I been
thirsting for you all these days, and just now? (It’s five days
since I’ve cast anchor here.) Because it’s only to you I can
tell everything; because I must, because I need you, because
to-morrow I shall fly from the clouds, because to-morrow
life is ending and beginning. Have you ever felt, have you
ever dreamt of falling down a precipice into a pit? That’s just
how I’m falling, but not in a dream. And I’m not afraid, and
don’t you be afraid. At least, I am afraid, but I enjoy it. It’s
not enjoyment though, but ecstasy. Damn it all, whatever it
is! A strong spirit, a weak spirit, a womanish spirit — what,
ever it is! Let us praise nature: you see what sunshine, how
clear the sky is, the leaves are all green, it’s still summer;
four o’clock in the afternoon and the stillness! Where were
you going?’
‘I was going to father’s, but I meant to go to Katerina Iva-
novna’s first.’
‘To her, and to father! Oo! what a coincidence! Why was
I waiting for you? Hungering and thirsting for you in every
cranny of my soul and even in my ribs? Why, to send you
to father and to her, Katerina Ivanovna, so as to have done
with her and with father. To send an angel. I might have
sent anyone, but I wanted to send an angel. And here you
are on your way to see father and her.’

1 The Brothers Karamazov