Page 519 - the-brothers-karamazov

‘It is done!’ he said. ‘I’ve long been yearning to see you.
Why didn’t you come?’
I did not tell him that they would not let me see him.
‘God has had pity on me and is calling me to Himself. I
know I am dying, but I feel joy and peace for the first time
after so many years. There was heaven in my heart from the
moment I had done what I had to do. Now I dare to love my
children and to kiss them. Neither my wife nor the judges,
nor anyone has believed it. My children will never believe it
either. I see in that God’s mercy to them. I shall die, and my
name will be without a stain for them. And now I feel God
near, my heart rejoices as in Heaven... I have done my duty.’
He could not speak, he gasped for breath, he pressed my
hand warmly, looking fervently at me. We did not talk for
long, his wife kept peeping in at us. But he had time to whis-
per to me:
‘Do you remember how I came back to you that second
time, at midnight? I told you to remember it. You know
what I came back for? I came to kill you!’
I started.
‘I went out from you then into the darkness, I wandered
about the streets, struggling with myself. And suddenly I
hated you so that I could hardly bear it. Now, I thought, he
is all that binds me, and he is my judge. I can’t refuse to face
my punishment to-morrow, for he knows all. It was not that
I was afraid you would betray me (I never even thought of
that), but I thought, ‘How can I look him in the face if I don’t
confess?’ And if you had been at the other end of the earth,
but alive, it would have been all the same, the thought was

1 The Brothers Karamazov