Page 19 - Marilyn

Did you say Puce?

By Robert Tussey

When did I miss the color chart class? Was there a PLOPPING! This was absurd. Men plop.
place in my past where I could’ve learned to differenti- We reached agreements and compromises and had a great
ate between the shades of maroon and puce? Is it life… for a while. The excitement of moving to a larger
possible that men have a deficiency when it comes to house blinded me to what I would face in fixing up the new
the nuance of color? The answers are no, no, and yes. house. Oh lord, there were so many new colors by that point
I began to believe there was a conspiracy to eliminate men
Mea Culpa. I thought the three primary colors and a from any reasonable involvement in the look of their castle.
few variations were enough. I steadfastly held to my notion that my involvement was
The wake up call came on my wedding day. My new bride necessary to be a good and caring husband. My consolation
informed me that her gown was not light beige as I had was that I still had the garage. They created the word ‘naïve’
opined, it was…ecru (?). I should’ve known my learning for men.
curve would be steeper than Ralph Nader’s chances in any Pumpkin is for pies not walls! Sea Mist is what fogs my
election. I just didn’t understand that the higher I climbed on glasses when I’m standing on Leffingwell Point in Cambria,
that curve the thinner the air got! not a color. Chocolate Chip is a cookie!!!!! When will it end?
In my zeal to be an involved husband I informed my wife that I swear I have half of my pantry on my walls.
I wanted to be involved in the decorating process. I thought, The upside to all of this is I can tell if there is a
hint of yellow or a blush of rose in a paint chip. I
actually SOUND intelligent as my wife nods in
agreement. She has trained me well. Clerks in
stores have whispered ‘you’re so lucky to have
a husband who knows so much.’ Luck? Men
deserve college credit for venturing into such
uncharted territory. You think crossing the Great
Divide was tough, try matching paint chips. Lest
you (men) underestimate the validity of decorat-
ing, let me point out a few things. By now we San Diego Woman
have all (hopefully) gotten past the Fung Shui
period. Fung Shui is to decorating what disco was
to music. The headboard of my bed has never
pointed east. Fresh Tulips are cool but who can 19
afford them. And placing a fountain or bird bath
in the front of the house to bring the calming
(read: good Karma) affect of water throughout
the house on the prevailing winds smacks of sly
marketing. Okay, I fell for this one. I thought it
would be cool to watch little birdies splashing joy-
the house is one thousand square feet, how difficult can this fully through their daily bath. Instead I got the neighbors cat,
be? Most men are not built to understand the concept of “Zinger,” lapping up my Karma.
flow between rooms and the absolute necessity of coordinat-
ing it all. Walls, curtains, baseboards, sheets and all bed- Decorating is the primal right of the female. It is DNA deep.
ding, furniture and knick knacks, and on and on and… As football and burping is to men, decorating is a woman’s
It was (initially) a lot of fun. Lori and I would spend our week- domain. The few of us who have stepped past the DMZ and
ends planning “the look” of the house. Who knew there was participated in the ritual have been better for it, but there is a
such a difference between Linen and Things, and Bed, Bath, price: Our men friends cannot know what we do. The beer
and Beyond. We carried paint chips and swatches of cloth hall chiding and character assassination would be enough to
everywhere we went. At one point we added a small piece of make us return the merit badges and say something crude
carpet (actually three) to the menagerie and befuddled many (while burping) to let our buddies know we’re still one of
a server in restaurants with the array of goods where the them.
food was to be set. This was an adventure you couldn’t book Lastly, we men are only a guest on the train. We must
with a platinum American Express card. behave. Watching Lori decorate (an all encompassing
Over the course of a year and a half we compiled and and expensive word) is like watching Swan Lake or seeing
completed all of our projects and stood back to admire our Shakespeare for the first time: Complicated and confusing
handywork. It was stunning. Then the rules: No shoes. No along the way, but in the end, often exhilarating and ulti-
eating in the living room. No liquids for fear of spillage. No mately satisfying. And, she’s got a guy that knows puce from
plopping down on the couch after a hard day at work. NO chartreuse. What more could you want.
May/June 2008