Page 31 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
My mom - the family’s matriarch, is in her 89th year, still licensed to drive, and is a ball of fiery independence. With the respect I have for my mother’s independence comes a dilemma, though. How do we, as her family, make sure she is keeping herself and others around her safe on the road as she continues to age?
I imagine many families are dealing with a similar situation. In 2019, my mom was one of approximately 30 million licensed drivers aged 70 and older, according to the 2020 Federal Highway Administration statistics. The difficulties of the decision likely vary by family. For example, if there is only one child in the family, the difficult decision can
be made without working to a consensus. However, like
with my family, where there are multiple children, another complication is trying to reach a consensus on the right thing to do.
Some parents recognize their limitations on their own
and willingly stop or curtail their driving. Others, understandably, cling to their independence and are unwilling to access or acknowledge their limitations. They may continue driving even when there is a question about their safety or the safety of others while they are driving on the road. My mom falls into the latter category.
It is not unheard of for a member of our family to be driving around town and pass by my mother cruising down the street or looking for a parking space at Walmart. It might be surprising that a nearly nonagenarian woman has retained such independence from those at a distance. But many people who have met my mom are not surprised to learn she still carts herself around town. However, as a son, when I hear she has been driving out of town or getting lost in the high school parking lot, I cannot help but wonder: “Is it irresponsible for me to keep her on the road?”
My mom was born in 1933 and was the oldest of three girls. Her family lived on a dairy farm in Zionsville, Indiana. As anyone who grew up on a farm can attest, the art of working hard is a prerequisite for survival, and the introduction to it starts at a very young age.
In 1957, my mom married my father, a dairy farmer, but she has been on her own for 38 years. Perhaps it was surviving an abusive marriage for 25 years, or maybe it was always
working one or two jobs to provide family necessities that her paltry allowance from my dad could not cover. Still,
my mom learned to be a survivor. At 5 feet 3 inches tall
she is a formidable presence. Some prefer to call it severe stubbornness. But most would agree that it is at least in part fierce independence.
Eleanor Roosevelt may have explained my mom’s makeup best when she said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience you stop to look fear in
the face. You can say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. You must do the thing you cannot do.’”
Taking on complex challenges looks slightly different at 83 than at 23, but for the feistiest of women, those challenges can all be faced head-on. For my mom, getting her first smartphone in 2015 was a new challenge for her. She wanted to learn to send text messages to communicate easily with her children and grandchildren, but it was challenging.
Unbeknownst to me, this new little device would grant her unfettered access to me.
My mom loves sports, and commonly, during a Cleveland Browns game or an Ohio State football game, she will be texting me. The commentary almost makes it feel like we are watching the game in the same room. I started receiving text messages from her such as, “Are you watching....”
If I say I’m not watching the game, it will almost certainly guarantee that my phone will spend the next couple of hours buzzing every few minutes with nearly play-by-play texts.
It would be easy to be annoyed by the frequent updates, riddled with typos, but I enjoy the interactions because I know she enjoys watching sports and sharing her thoughts about the game with me.
After raising five children, now ranging from ages 53 to 64, my mom lives on her own in a condominium about five
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