Page 368 - The Truth Landscape Format 2020 with next section introductions-compressed

If our parents throw us out, will we still love them? Or is our love too tightly linked with the need for security? If, as parents we dream that our children will
become wealthy and popular, will we love them the same if they become beggars or anarchists? Some parents will, others will not.

In each instance where we feel our heart closing, we need to discover what we fear. Most frequently we lose our love when we fear that our security, self-
worth, freedom or pleasure are in danger. Only when we know that we can live without others can we really love them steadily.

Society is responsible for much confusion in this area. We believe that if we love others, then we must be totally dependent on them and should fear that our
world would fall apart if something happens to them. This isn’t love, it’s insecurity. This is a lack of awareness of our inner spiritual nature and our ability to
deal with life. It has nothing to do with love.

Needing Others for Pleasure

Our need for pleasure and affirmation can distort our experience of love. We create relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We
may be dependent upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humour, tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even
his or her beauty.

Yet, if he or she stops providing these for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, do we carry on loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned,
and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and resentment? If the relationship revolves around the condition that "I will love you as long as you provide
my pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings will change,” this is not true love, it is conditional love.

Needing Others for Affirmation

We feel affirmed when others obey us. "You must listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however,
you stop doing whatever I say, I will stop feeling love for you."

This is a common problem for parents when their children start to grow up. This can also occur between spouses. A spouse might be suppressed at first, and
the partner feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, the spouse begins to think and act independently, the partner begins to panic, becomes fearful and
sometimes aggressive.

We also feel a sense of affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This can occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or
between the "care-taker" and the "needy victim." In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of co-
dependency. Some of us find meaning in life because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the Page368
needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not, our love is mixed with our need to be "needed".