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JUNE 3, 2018 BREAKING NEWS
President Trump tweeted this morning that he would pardon himself if his voluntary meeting with Special Counsel Robert Mueller on a date to be determined does not go well. According to the president, “If my tremendous answers match Witch-Hunter Mueller’s questions, fine.
If they don’t, we’ll have to see.”
Drafted by the president’s two former attorneys, a 20-page letter delivered to Mr. Mueller by Amazon in January contends that the president cannot be held liable for any thoughts, words or deeds, at any time or at any place — including and covering the time he is in office, after he leaves office, for the rest of his life and after he dies and goes to H-E-double hockey sticks.
When asked about the president’s liability for thoughts, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders became testy. “The inclusion of thoughts was an inadvertent error because the president is not known to think, therefore he would have no thoughts. This letter was not written or proofed by the communications staff, so don’t blame us for the sloppy syntax.”
While the letter vigorously defended the president, absolving him of all past, present and future sins, it fell short on one crucial account. The president’s current and only remaining fixer, Rudy Giuliani, maintains that the president has “told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” but that Mr. Mueller’s investigators “have a false version of it.” Mr. Giuliani would not divulge where the false