Page 78 - Javanan Magazine Issue # 1888

PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE No. 1888
PSYCHOLOGICAL
ISSUE No. 1856
PERSPECTIVES JAVANAN
PERSPECTIVES
JAVANAN
Dr. Alan A.
Modarressi LOGICAL PERSPECTIVES
Clinical and A SOCIOCULTURAL AND MIND AND BODY OUTLOOK
Neuro-Psychologyst
In this column, we examine the mental health issues in the context
of social, culture, and physiological concerns of the Iranian community
HOW OVERINDULGING YOUR KID CAN HAVE DEVASTATING CONSEQUENCES

Overindulging Can Have Lifelong Effects on Children

esearch shows that overindulg- get or `capture' it. It feels good. And as are paying for their adult child's rent, rewards are earned. Setting up charts or
ing your kids can cause them a result, many of us have gotten into a car insurance and other expenses, and a token system. It's helping them to un-
Rharm. According to ctPost, buy- habit, and have taught our children, that their overindulged kids don't feel good derstand you can't just walk into a store
ing your teen everything she wants. Do- we can get what we want when we want about themselves because they need to and say `I don't have any money, but I
ing your middle-schooler's homework it." But at what cost? Researchers in be independent but haven't learned the want'" whatever the object of their de-
for him. Confronting the T-ball coach the 1980s studied self-described over- skills." sire is that day. Is that one more piece of
when your first-grader is benched. indulged children and identified what It's not all doomed, though. There are clothing really going to make your child
Overindulgence takes many forms. they called "spoiled child syndrome" to ways to break the habit. "They should happy? Parents need to look a little
Whether it's an attempt to buy love or describe kids whose parents gave in to tell their child, `We did something in more inward and ask themselves what
happiness, help your child fit in, fight their every whim. In addition to excess a way I don't think is positive for your all the needing and wanting is about?
his battles, or simply keep her from buying, an overindulgent parent might future,'" says Passmore. "You can't just What does my child really want?
throwing a tantrum, constantly saying allow the child to repeatedly skip school flip a kid. It's always good for a parent Most parents agree that children
yes can be far more damaging than say- or cheat on homework, avoid chores al- to have the discussion with their child, should do chores but enforcing them
ing no. together, stay out later than is appropri- `This is what we realize, and we want to can sometimes be more work for par-
"I think a lot of parents are doing it ate for their age, even rule and dominate make changes in our family.'" ents than just doing the chores them-
from a good place," says Carol Pass- the family. Then, she says, ask for your child's selves. My Job Chart (myjobchart.com)
more, a licensed practical counselor and "Overindulgence can manifest itself input. "Ask them to come up with needs is a free online tool that helps parents
director of Care to Connect, a family as disrespect toward authority figures," and wants list. It may turn out to be dif- and kids track chores, get rewards (ei-
educational and therapeutic practice in says Sheryl Silverstein, Ph.D., who has ferent from what you think they need ther points or money, depending on
Fairfield. "They don't mean to hurt their practices in Westport and Stamford and and want, but it starts the conversation." your family's philosophy), and hold
kids." In fact, most experts agree, it's is on the faculty at Yale University's The earlier we can help our children each other accountable. So, contributing
just the opposite. As parents, we want to Department of Psychology. "They walk set limits and learn to make decisions to the family becomes a conversation,
give them what the other kids have. We into a room with an attitude that says and balance things, the better, says Har- not just a one-way battle with the parent
want to see our kids smile. When they're rules aren't meant for them." mon. "We do that by teaching kids that telling the child, `You need to do more.
happy, we're happy. Spoiled children, the study found
Elaine Levy Cooper, Ph.D., a par- (though most of us probably don't need
ent By Traci Neal-child specialist and a study to confirm it), display a lack
psychoanalyst in Westport, adds, "It's a of consideration for others, demand to
very child-centered universe right now have their own way, and are prone to
and in some ways we want to see our temper tantrums.
kids empowered and being able to ad- Because we're meeting their every
vocate for themselves. But there's a fine need, says Amanda Harmon, a licensed
line between that and going over the clinical social worker in Fairfield and
boundary of the too-empowered child Westport, they're not learning how to
who thinks they have the right to every cope with no. "The world at large isn't
toy they point to." going to give them everything they
But for most parents -- and actually want," she says. When they grow up,
for the kids too -- it isn't really even overindulged kids can become entitled
about the toy. "Television commercials young adults. They find it hard to get
often show the parent and the child into relationships because they have
playing with the toy together," says this sense of grandiosity," he says. "No-
Laura Markham, Ph.D., a Brooklyn- body is ever going to be smart enough
based author of Peaceful Parents, Hap- or good-looking enough.
py Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Silverstein agrees. "Overindulgence
Connecting. "Often that's the message can interfere with their social relation-
the child gets: `If I get this toy, Mom ships with their peers, their teachers,
and Dad will play with me.' What kids and as they get older, their bosses," she
really want is us." says. And it doesn't end once the chil-
We all have cravings for things, dren leave the nest. "A lot of parents
Markham says. "And our brains react are still saying yes, even after the child
when we `chase' something and then is grown," says Passmore. "Parents

DANESH FOROUGHI, PH.D. Alan Modarressi, PhD, QME
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, PSY13680 Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Licensed Marriage, Family & Child Psychotherapist, MFC23455 Qualified Medical Evaluator
Certified National Board of Addiction Examiners #4974 Certified Psychophsychologist
Tel: (310) 940-3642 Diplomat, American Academy of Pain Management
15720 Ventura Blvd., Second Fl. #224 Encino CA 91436 (818) 501-6080 (562) 861-7226

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