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8 | FRANCESCA PE NN

Chapter 2

Henri
O
ne of the things I love about being an engineer is being trusted to create
and review solutions for complex scenarios. It is also the thing I hate. I
cannot have an off day. I must always be on because
the slightest miscalculation could lead to significant issues. To be honest, I’m
faking it. I was faking it yesterday, and I’m faking it today. I’m good at my job -one
of the company’s best, but I haven’t been mentally present lately. I don’t know if
it’s because of Cassie’s constant calls about the baby or if it’s Cassie herself.
I will try to explain as best as I can. See, I have no issues with becoming a father.

I’ve never doubted for a second that I would have kids. I’ve had my wild party days
and could have more if I so chose, but those days are over. I am not above a good
party since I’m only thirty and not dead, but I’m over the finding-a-random-hook-
up-at-the-party phase. I’m comfortable enough with myself as a man to admit that
I want something serious.
I just can’t figure out why I opted to meet up with an eccentric stranger after
work to delay going home. Why did I feel the need to lie myself into a higher
relationship status? I should want to run home to see my pregnant girlfriend. I
should be happy to rub her feet and hear about the baby’s movements. Tell her that
she is more beautiful than ever and all that jazz. I’ve got nothing. She is still
beautiful. I’m not that big of an asshole. It’s everything else. I know I will never
fully understand pregnancy beyond the biological definition. I know that only a
woman that has been pregnant can fully grasp the craziness of creating life. I try to
understand all of it, but it doesn’t change the underlining issue. Cassie is driving
me fucking insane.