Page 14 - DURHAM CITIZEN MAY 24TH 2021_Neat

14 DurhamCitizen.ca May 24, 2021

For many of us, the COVID-19 pandemic makes for a very uncertain future. People worry about their own health and the health of their loved ones
as well as concerns around school or work, their finances, their ability to take part in important community and social events and hobbies. SATIRE
With that in mind, we’ve decided to add a little satire to relieve some of the daily stress felt by all. Enjoy!

Trump worried Biden will take

credit for the almost 600,000

COVID deaths he made possible

claiming that without
his strategy of
discouraging mask
use and pretending
the virus would go
away on its own, GASPING, OUT-OF-SHAPE OLYMPIANS
the nation would
never have been able
to make it to a quarter BEG IOC TO POSTPONE GAMES
million deaths, let alone
a half million.
“It wasn’t Biden who spent
months refusing to
attend the coronavirus LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND - Gearing up for As I was saying, the effect of so much time on the
task force meetings. the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to couch during those lock-downs kind of snuck up
That was all me. Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape on us. We were in top condition and ready to go
The case numbers, athletes representing a variety of different sports last year, but…speaking of couches, do you mind
PALM BEACH, FL- Seething over the hospitalizations, the deaths - reportedly pleaded with the International if we sit down?
the fact he was no longer in the they’ve all been plummeting since Olympic Committee Friday to postpone the A lifestyle of rigorous training, diet, and exercise
Oval Office as pandemic casualties I left office. event for another summer or two. was impossible to maintain with gym closures
reached a new milestone, former Clearly, the new guy doesn’t have “Please, esteemed committee members, as you and stay-at-home orders.
President Trump expressed worry what it takes, and yet all the know, everyone was stuck at home this past year, Just give us another year or so, and we’ll be back
Monday that President Biden crooked news media wants to talk and it was hard to stay active, let alone in peak in top form.
would take credit for the almost about is Joe Biden. Unbelievable.” shape,” said the panting, beer-bellied diver David But for the moment, holy sh#t, could I just get
600,000 Covid deaths the Trump At press time, Trump was Boudia, a four-time Olympic medalist who spoke a glass of water? I’m about to pass out.”
administration had made possible. brimming with pride after hearing at IOC headquarters on behalf of the several At press time, the athletes and the IOC
“No other president could have a presidential historian on dozen runners, swimmers, and gymnasts announced they had reached a satisfactory
pushed death rates that high, and television suggest the plague would doubled over behind him. compromise wherein, for this year only, steroid
now that bastard is swooping in at be remembered years from now as “We athletes would really appreciate it if you’d use would be allowed and encouraged.
the end of this pandemic and “Trump’s pandemic.” consider delaying - hang on. Christ, that was a
stealing my thunder,” said Trump, lot of stairs. Just give me a minute. Okay.

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ARIES: (Born between 21st March & 20th April) LIBRA: (Born between 23rd September & 22nd October)
If something isn’t quite clear don’t take the risk and go ahead anyway, It could start to become obvious that something is not going to
hoping it will work its way out. Anything you say or promise could be progress as quickly or smoothly as you thought without a lot of extra
easily misunderstood by somebody else, or it could be the other way work and effort on your part. This is not something you will
around. This can either lead to hold ups or having to deal with necessarily be pleased to do. This could simply be the beginning of a
reversals that could be difficult to navigate to mid June. process that will take to mid June before a clear goal will emerge.
TAURUS: (Born between 21st April & 20th May) SCORPIO: (Born between 23rd October & 21st November)
This is not a good time to commit yourself to anything financially. It The desires somebody else has may not fit in with your goals, which
might also be that expenses you didn’t see coming will present can be rather annoying. In some ways you could feel you have been
themselves. There should be a way of working that out by late June. If wasting your time. It will simply be a matter of getting back to
you have lent money in the past and been disappointed in not having organising whatever you need to put in place. In the end you could
it repaid, now would be the time to pursue it again. realise it has been more fortunate for you for this to happen.
GEMINI: (Born between 21st May & 20th June) SAGITTARIUS: (Born between 22nd November & 21st December)
Mercury, your ruling planet, which is in your sign for a very long time The Lunar Eclipse this week will occur in your own sign. This can light
until mid July will place you in a reviewing situation from this week up your life in a most fortunate manner enabling you to realise
until 23rd June. This is not the time to push things. You might also benefits that could be developed probably more next year. You may
have to deal with reversals of some description. Don’t go ahead with need to deal with somebody else changing their mind from now to
anything that is confusing or unclear this week. mid June. Don’t attempt to sort anything out on their behalf.
CANCER: (Born between 21st June & 22nd July) CAPRICORN: (Born between 22nd December & 19th January)
You can feel agitated, especially with any situations that seemed to You cannot afford to be distracted by others, as you need to remain
have a clear path ahead that suddenly become quite the opposite. focussed on routines already in place or those you are putting in
There is too much either going on behind the scenes or out of your place. Don’t take on any extra work for the benefit of somebody else.
control for you to be able to take any clear cut action that would bring Communication can increase in some way. This can have its appeal
a satisfactory result. Just let things unfold, as they will. but you need to remain focussed on dealing with details.

LEO: (Born between 23rd July & 22nd August) AQUARIUS: (Born between 20th January & 18th February)
Things could begin to take a slower pace when it comes to contact and You could find some time from now to mid October to slow down and
involvement with other people. You could catch up with friends you contemplate the changes that have taken shape in your life since
have not seen in a while from now to mid June. The true intentions of Christmas. You could feel challenged this week between what needs
somebody else might be hard to ascertain this week. The main thing to be done or routines you know should be in place and pleasurable
is to keep on track with your own priorities. activities. These can be rethought from now to mid June.

VIRGO: (Born between 23rd August & 22nd September) PISCES: (Born between 19th February & 20th March)
Be very careful from now to late June about taking up obligations you Committing yourself to something you may have either been avoiding
have previously moved on from or having to sort out something or haven’t been keen to take on could now be seen as beneficial by
somebody else has not done properly. Make no mistake – others will you. This does not mean you see it as enjoyable but rather something
be looking to be as free as they can be and not tied down by detail. It that will eventually lead to a greater level of underlying security. This
is up to you to put your own priorities first. may take until late June to be fully sorted.