Page 70 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

First, Malia needed to develop a Personal Stress Plan to be and remain in a much calmer place
before responding to Jules when she gets angry. Malia empowered herself to know that she can
calm down and needs to be calm before responding to Jules.

Malia has become much more attuned to her changing body sensations when she becomes angry
with Jules. When she feels her heart start to beat faster, her cheeks feel warmer, and sometimes
she gets a tension headache, she’s aware that she has the emotional regulation tools to calm
herself down.
Malia uses BMR - breathe, mantra, and refocus - to be able to stay in a clear-thinking part of her
brain before she expresses her anger to Jules.

Her change to healthy anger continues with Malia reframing her automatic angry thoughts. Instead
of labeling Jules as lazy or oppositional, she reframes that to Jules being in a developmental stage
when he craves freedom and autonomy. His temperament suggests he will act out to claim what
he perceives is his power.

Malia also tries to consider what Jules needs in the mornings that may be causing this disruptive
and unfocused behavior. Jules prefers to eat as soon as he gets up - which did not align with
Malia’s morning routine. So, Malia has changed her expectations to understand that food will put
him in a better mood.

She simplified his breakfast down to a bagel or English muffin and fruit. Jules can get that himself.

In changing her anger, Malia now says things to herself like - He has a hard time waking up. He
needs food to begin his day. It’s nothing personal. I can cope, get him some food and help him
learn to be more responsible.

By forming positive mantras, Malia is able to catch her distorted angry thoughts quickly when she
begins to feel her body sensations changing.

By ceasing her assumed intent and labeling of Jules, Malia was able to stay in a much more calm
and regulated state.

Once she felt calm, then Malia could attune to what Jules needs to be able to encourage more
responsible and respectful behavior. After meeting his hunger needs as soon as he gets up, at
10-years old, Jules may also need more power and independence.

In honoring her feelings of anger and frustration with Jules - while being able to remain calm and
more focused - Malia is able to be more assertive and use healthier ways to change Jules’
behavior.

Malia formed some assertive statements to use:

“I get frustrated and worried when you aren’t dressed and ready for school by 7:30 because your
teacher gets irritated when we’re late. I want you to stop what you’re doing, finish getting dressed
and get your schoolbooks together so we can get ready to leave.”

Malia also offered Jules acceptable choices to help him maintain his control and power.

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