Page 71 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

“Dress yourself or I’ll choose your clothes for you and you’ll dress in the car. If you haven’t eaten
yet, you can have an English muffin in the car on the way to school. “

“We will be leaving for school at 7:45 whether you have your stuff together or not.”

Jules didn't know how to react to his mom’s change of anger behavior patterns.

Malia also had to set limits with no TV in the mornings - in fact no screen time at all - and would
allow Jules extra time on the computer at night if he was able to show more responsibility in the
morning.
When Malia began to change her angry habits, Jules seemed confused at first. Malia says when
she first took five to ten minutes to calm down before marching up to his room, Jules wondered
how and why she had become distracted.

Since anger is like a dance, and Malia was changing her dance moves, Jules was put into a
position to have to change his moves as well.
When Malia was calm, she walked into Jules’ room and said, “You can pick out your own clothes
to wear today or I’ll pick them out for you, but you must be dressed by 7:30. If you’re not dressed
by then, I’ll pick something for you and you can get dressed in the car.”

She didn’t even wait for him to respond. Malia turned off the television and walked down to the
kitchen to fix breakfast for herself since Jules had already eaten. At 7:30, she went back up to his
room and found Jules was almost dressed, but still barefoot.

“When you aren’t dressed by 7:30 I get frustrated and worried because your teacher is irritated
when we’re late. Find something to wear on your feet. It's time to leave for school.”

Malia left his room, saying to herself, “Don’t take it personally. He’s 10 years old and just trying to
flex his own power and control.”

When it was time to leave, Jules was dressed, had only one shoe on, and didn’t have his
schoolbooks ready to go.

“Grab your other shoe and your books. It's time to leave.”

Malia said Jules seemed stunned that she wasn’t stopping to get angry with him and that she was
not raising her voice. As she opened the front door to leave, Jules quickly grabbed his other shoe
and his two books from the table in the other room and followed close behind his mom.

As she was initially surprised by Jules’ reaction when she first began to change her anger, Malia
shared that it did take some time to not revisit some of the same patterns of frustration with Jules
in the morning. She continued to breathe, mantra, and refocus, and helped her son develop much
healthier and more responsible morning habits.

During the process of changing her anger, Malia always felt better afterward and didn’t feel
anxious and irritable all day. She felt empowered.

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