Page 17 - HaMizrachi #7BackgroundwithJIF-Purim

Parenting

Rabbi Elisha Aviner

TALKING TO TEENAGERS

any years ago, before I began the sake of it. They are mature enough but they expect more – they want
to specialize in adolescent to cope with their emotional needs by understanding. In the hot spots of
M education, I thought that themselves. Hence, it is unnecessary parent-child debate, the child asks for
success in educating our teenagers to invest in emotional communication. understanding despite disagreement.
was dependent on our (the parents’) Talks should be to the point and It is important to children that parents
educational policy, and on the messages practical, as only fitting for an adult. do not ridicule or ignore their opinion
and content we transmit to our children. but that they try and understand their
Wrong. Someone who is on the way perspective, reasons and needs.
I thought that if we guided our teenagers to becoming an adult is not an adult.
on the right path and transmitted He or she is in the process of building. If the parents do not understand, the
“positive” messages, we could hope for Emotions are developing and evolving youth is deeply offended. And this
educational success. Similarly, healthy and emotional needs are huge. ‘wound’ becomes deeper because it’s his
dialogue was also important – and a or her own parents. If strangers don’t
useful skill to acquire – but it wasn’t Despite their outward appearance, our understand, it’s not pleasant but we can
really at the heart of our children’s teenagers still need warm reinforcement cope, because they’re not expected to
and emotional support, and they do
education. understand anyway. They are also not
want gentle parental accompaniment. usually connected in any deep emotional
However, as the years passed, I have Even at this age, dialogue fulfills a major way.
learned that dialogue with our children role in emotional support. Because if our
is not an option or an occasional children don’t receive it at home, they But a child expects his parents to at
and useful tool. It is the core of our will search elsewhere for what they need, least make the effort to understand. If
educational efforts. To paraphrase the for better or for worse. he senses that they do not understand
Kuzari – it is the root of faith and the In short, healthy communication him, he hurts. And to reduce the pain
root of rebellion. In other words, healthy with our teenagers is a fundamental he could choose the option of detaching
communication with your teenager is element of education: 1. It’s the glue himself from them, keeping a safe
the key to educational success, just as that connects children and parents, and distance and limiting contact.
deficient communication with your the condition for imparting values in all
teenager is a recipe for educational areas of life – personal, religious, social, There are parents who are scared that
any expression of “understanding”
failure. etc. 2. It is crucial for addressing the their child’s behavior will be
young person’s emotional needs.
Why? Because if our communication construed by the latter as approval,
is no good, we become detached from What is emotional dialogue? In contrast legitimization. Therefore they avoid
each other. We stop being relevant in to an informative conversation, void it and only confront him or her when
his or her life. Even if we offer the best of too much personal content, the they disapprove of their behavior. This
educational guidance, it is worthless, emotional conversation relates to is a mistake. We can simultaneously
because the child won’t listen. If we are personal experiences, feelings and demonstrate genuine understanding and
not relevant for them, neither are our emotions. First and foremost, it shows genuine disagreement: “I understand
educational messages. an interest in what the adolescent is you, I understand where you’re coming
going through. Not only what we want from and what you need. However,
There are those who believe that from them, or what we don’t like about despite that, I think it would be better to
conversations with children only fulfil their behavior, but what is important to act differently, and here’s why.”
an important role at a younger age. A them, what occupies their mind all day
child needs support and encouragement, and every day. Rabbi Elisha Aviner is a teacher in the
coddling and indulgence. A warm Yeshivat Hesder Ma'ale Adumim and
conversation supplies all that. But when For many adolescents, even this kind Founder of Lev Avot, which advises
he or she reaches adolescence, they do of dialogue is not enough. They enjoy parents with adolescent education
not need hugging and pampering for involving their parents in their feelings issues aviner@neto.net.il

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