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Marriage

Dr. David Pelcovitz

Three Ways

TO COPE WITH THE

CHALLENGES OF MARRIAGE

ny time that a couple views periods of cheshbon haNefesh, soul Gottman finds that when couples make
something as a challenge, it searching, are stronger and deal better that small shift in their relationship –
A helps to have a mindset that with life’s stresses and challenges. turning towards – marriages can improve
helps strengthen the relationship. Here no end.
are three ways to build that mindset: 2. Turning Towards
3. You Never Know
1. Staying in Touch John Mordecai Gottman, one of the
world’s leading marital therapists, gave a I often hear couples complaining about
It’s extremely important to stay in touch talk to a group of about 300 rabbis. He how much better their friends’ marriages
during the week, to talk, to show interest spent two days teaching the basics of seem to be. “Why can’t you treat me like
in each other. how to help couples with shalom bayit he treats her? Why can’t you be more
That should be obvious, but sometimes (marital harmony). And now I keep easygoing with me like so-and-so?”
husband and wife should take a step hearing the rabbis say, “You know how First, it’s never helpful to compare
back and stay in touch with their goals. he made a difference in my life? Two yourself to others. You never know
Psychology research shows that every words: “turning towards.” what’s really going on in somebody
time we examine our goals – whether Gottman showed a video of couples else’s home. I can’t tell you how many
in marriage, as parents, as Jews – it spending a week in his laboratory at the times I’ve had people in my office sitting
actually makes for higher happiness down and comparing, and I have to bite
levels and better relationships. As it University of Washington. He observed my tongue because I know that later I’m
says in Proverbs (29:18), “b’ain chazon them and gave them feedback on their going to be seeing the very couple they
yepara am” – when there is no vision, the marriages. He highlighted one point in admire to try and salvage their marriage.
people go wild. Without that vision, we particular. It’s a couple sitting down for
will grow apart from what and whom we breakfast. Husband reading the paper, You know what the research shows? That
cherish. sipping his coffee. Wife looking out if you spend just a few minutes every day
of the window at the beautiful lake on or a number of times a week deliberately
So make time during the week to check campus. She turns towards him and says, reminding yourself of what it is that you
in with each other and with yourselves “Aren’t we lucky to be able to spend the love and admire and are grateful for in
about where you’re going. My favorite week here working on our marriage?” your spouse – it actually makes a shift in
way of thinking about this are the And he says, “Uh huh,” and continues to your shalom bayit.
three questions Jacob tells his family to read the sports news.
prepare for as they are about to confront
Esau: who are you, where are you going, That moment, says Gottman, is a 1 Rabbi Kalonymus Kalman Shapira, the Rebbe of
and what are you going to do with what moment of choice, a nekudat haBechirah 2 the Warsaw Ghetto.
you have?” – the point of choice in a marriage 2 A reference to Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler’s assertion
that makes all the difference. It’s easy that a person only has free choice in a very
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Says the Piazecner in the name of the to fix. When she starts a potentially circumscribed area – their “point of choice.” Each
Ba’al Shem Tov, another way of reading serious conversation, he has a choice person has a different point of choice.
the words v’avadetem meheirah (usually – either to go back to the newspaper
translated as ‘and you will be lost Dr. David Pelcovitz holds the
quickly’), that we say in the Shema, is to or to say to himself, “There’s nothing Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in
get rid of the rush in your life. more important in my life now than to
turn towards my wife and talk to her Psychology and Jewish Education at
Stop. Grasp the power of stillness. Ask about something important. And there the Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish
yourself those three questions. Studies is nothing more important than our Education and Administration at
repeatedly show that families that value relationship.” Yeshiva University

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