Page 74 - Herioter 2020

My Own was very mature for my age, which knew what a reproductive organ was.
happened very often. I loved to be
I wonder what she would have thought
Orange Apple picked up and spun round by my dad, about my cyst. She would have gasped
his little princess. I remember spinning,
and gagged and giggled when I told
defying gravity, feeling I could be a her it had teeth, hair and muscles. I
Dress million miles from planet earth. That, think she would have laughed with
I think now, is the only time I thought me when my friend Naroa defied
I have recently been reading My growing up could wait. I could just direct instructions from the nurse and
Mother’s Wedding Dress by Justine keep spinning in my green dress with wheeled me down to M&S for a BLT
Picardie. In it, Picardie reminisces on pink flowers underneath the trees because I was so sick of hospital food.
many things, including her orange in my garden until I was projectile She and her fussy eating habits would
apple dress that she bought from launched into outer space. I remember be shocked I even touched hospital
the Apple shop on Baker Street and thinking I wouldn’t have liked to be so food. I hope she would have cried
wore till it was “bursting at its seams”. far from home. Now, I think I would with me when I came home from the
Reading it, I remembered fondly my have been just fine in outer space, so hospital and, bedbound, stared down
own dresses as a child. I always had a long as I had my dress. what I knew was empty spot in the
thing with dresses. I wore long skirts I thought about my dress, a few right of my body and a scar across my
and pulled them up to my armpits to months ago when I was in hospital stomach. A hole. A void.
imitate the sleeveless styles worn by having an emergency operation to
Disney stars on the red carpet in the remove my right ovary following the
early noughties. After baths, I would growth of a dermoid cyst the size of
stand up on the toilet so I could be four tennis balls. The doctor told me it
tall enough to see my whole body in had been growing since birth. I laughed
the towel that reached my ankles and when she said this, and thought of
pretend I was a princess. I planned all my memories, about how the cyst
the dress I would wear to my Primary was there inside me on my first day of
Seven ceilidh four years in advance. nursery, at my primary school nativity
Perhaps it was a fascination with when I played the star and tripped
dresses, or with being the centre on my way up to the stage, at every
of attention, or with growing up. I Christmas spent driving from one
remember that I couldn’t wait to be all end of London to another to see my
grown up.
divorced grandparents. It was there
inside me as I span in the garden,
biding its time until it eventually
caused me to miss three National 5
exams.
I’m a feminist, and so I believe my
I thought about my dress because womanhood makes me strong. But no
I thought about my younger self, one ever talks about what happens
and when I picture her, I see that when you lose a big part of what
dress. I remember a little girl who makes you a woman, biologically
had everything under control. You at least. I didn’t think I minded.
see, my younger self had a very clear
I loved every one of my dresses, but picture of sixteen-year-old me. She Until people started to make me
my favourite was my own version of knew I would have everything sorted feel like I should. “Can you still have
the orange apple dress: a green dress, out. I would be acing school, have children?” “Are you infertile now?”
with pink frills and flowers, from TK boys falling at my feet, and be on an The more they questioned, the more
Maxx. It was no wonder I loved it. absolute track towards my future. I wondered what exactly I had lost.
For a child size 6-8, it made me feel Some of those things have happened. Purpose? Value? Was I less of a
awfully grown up. I wore it to dress Some have not. But my younger self, woman somehow?
down day. I wore it on holiday and spinning carefree in her green dress, It was then that I started to think
to discos and birthday parties, even never once thought sixteen-year- about my parents. I knew they
when they involved bouncy castles. old me would be losing half of my wanted grandchildren one day, and
In my dress, I was perfection and I reproductive organs. I don’t think she despite what the doctor told me, that
loved to hear it. I loved to be told I I should have no problems having

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