Page 14 - Sounds Rides Jan 2023

A very old woman
realizes that she's

JIMS JOKES seen and done

everything and
the time has come
to depart from

this world. After
considering
various methods
of doing away
with herself, she
decides to shoot
herself through
the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she
phones her doctor and asks him the exact location
of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located
two inches below the left nipple. The old woman

hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots
herself in the left knee.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping
new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. she will be well cared for. The next morning, the
“The food and service were great!” he said. His nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and
friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?” set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you flower garden. She seems okay but after a while
call the long stemmed flower people give on she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her
special occasions?” “You mean a rose?” asked his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
friend. “That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems
wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other
restaurant we went to the other day?” side. The nurses rush back and once more bring
her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later,

the family arrives to see how the old woman is
adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here?
Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s
pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you
fart."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the
stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The
94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up
and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or
down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea and listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get
that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients
measure. She then replies,“I’ll come up and help in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local
both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.” hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard
along. He told some
jokes and sang some
funny songs at patients’
bedsides. When he
finished he said, in
farewell, “I hope you
get better.” One elderly
gentleman replied, “I
hope you get better,
too.”

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