Page 20 - Sound Rides April 2024

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on
JIMS JOKES
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner
that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says,
"I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a
centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a
centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the
centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen
and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware
have been washed, dried, and put away; the
counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the
floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living
room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living
room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the
furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the
sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to
himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever
seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the
corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes lat-
er...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede.
30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the
man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to
the front door, opens it... and there's the
centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the
corner store 45
minutes ago to get
me a newspaper.
What's the matter?!"
The centipede says,
"I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
I'm just putting on
my shoes!"
himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender
asks, "what's the matter?" The Blonde Guy replies,
"well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and
well… I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm
mixing up riding times or even feeding them the
right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to
think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the
horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that
sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in
worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public,
answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses
(sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them
apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him
to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try
shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this
sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking
the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved
the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and…
it… it… grew back!" The bartender, now furious at
the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out
loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one
is slightly taller than the other one!" The guy
cannot believe what the bartender has said and
storms out of the bar. The next day the Blonde
Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had
just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he
exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black
one is two inches taller than the white one!"
A man walked into work on
Monday with two black eyes. His boss
asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a
big woman at church. When we
stood up to sing hymns, I noticed
that her dress was caught in her
crack, so I pulled it out. She turned
around and punched me square in
the eye." "Where did you get the
other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well,"
the man said, "I figured she didn't
want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Page 20