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%u00a9Jack Fritscher, Ph.D., All Rights ReservedHOW TO LEGALLY QUOTE FROM THIS BOOKWhat They Did to the Kid 103life. I%u2019m too afraid to actually sin mortally. I have no idea of what goes on in a back seat. My conscience is too blunted to perceive the refinements of many venialities. I%u2019m neither hot nor cold, Lord. Hardening. Don%u2019t vomit me into the pit. Every noble intention I had for the summer, every thought of Mass, meditation, almost of You, Oh Lord, has been drowned in the rush of this beautiful world, the land of love and sweetness for which I long but give up for You. I don%u2019t want this pleasure. It%u2019s the hurt of the wonderful things missed, gone-by, time-passed, when I%u2019m alone. Take this pleasure away. My prayer is never good. My prayers are emotional sedative at one time, emotional catharsis at another. That%u2019s why I flounder so easily, why the world can swamp me, and not let me give a clear answer to people like Kenny and that stupid Rip. I will try harder, Lord, so I don%u2019t lose out like Dick and Mike. I will be Your priest and life will be hard. I will never interfere with myself. Because I%u2019ve started to be good so many times, I have the habit of beginning and not the habit of perseverance in anything. I%u2019ve got to find me in reality, Lord. Help me define my vocation. I%u2019m kneeling here, on this hard wood floor, asking. Even my problems aren%u2019t real. Please don%u2019t let me feel this. I don%u2019t have a real bit in my body. Mike proved that tonight. Nothing will ever happen to me, unless I make it happen. Amen.I knelt stock still.In the hall, Doc banged into the bathroom, making asthmatic sounds. Then around the cracks in his bedroom door his light went out. Mike came in from the porch, dropped off his clothes, and crawled into the other bed. I heard him rustling the covers, settling down on the old creaky roll-away. Finally the room was silent around me as I knelt there, hiding myself, but only for a minute. One last burst of fireworks lit the room.%u201cFor God%u2019s sake, Ryan,%u201d Mike said. %u201cGet in bed.%u201d