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%u00a9Jack Fritscher, Ph.D., All Rights ReservedHOW TO LEGALLY QUOTE FROM THIS BOOK184 Jack Fritscher%u201cI thought Librium was like aspirin. We have no newspapers, no radio, and you didn%u2019t tell me about it.%u201d%u201cI knew what you needed.%u201dThey all seemed to know what I needed.%u201cHow did Karg find out?%u201d%u201cI have to report any medicine I dispense.%u201d%u201cYou didn%u2019t tell me that either.%u201d%u201cI%u2019m a Jesuit,%u201d he said.I actually short-circuited into laughs, big ones and small ones. Ryan Stephen O%u2019Hara, I thought, you do get yourself in fub duck situations. In mortal danger of losing my vocation, I laughed, standing outside myself. Even fighting for elemental survival, I could not walk into a believable grown-up version of myself, because some grown-up was always standing in my way. My only strength lay in my creative resistance to Rector Karg. Again I felt like a moviegoer, watching myself act out the opening reels of my life done with smoke and mirrors. What he saw was not me. It was what I let him see. What I knew he wanted to see. What I knew he needed to see if I were to save my vocation.Finally, Rector Karg called me to his suite. %u201cYour grades are good,%u201d he said. %u201cYour faculty recommendations are high. You tell me the Jesuit spiritual director says your interior life is progressing. There may have been some circumstantial misunderstanding. Your uncle, who is a priest not without influence, spoke up for you, both as a priest and a relation. However, we have uncovered enough that we can only encourage you to work to full capacity, that is, to full responsibility of Christlike perfection.%u201d He folded his hands. %u201cIf you are concerned about your status, let me ask you, do you feel the grace of God?%u201d%u201cI do, Rector. I really believe I do. That I have all along. Even in the depths of this trial.%u201d I sensed he approved such dialogue.%u201cDo you feel you truly have a calling from God?%u201d%u201cI%u2019ve never felt my vocation more strongly than I have this past year. This last week has increased my sense of its value immensely. I had to make a concrete fight for it.%u201d %u201cThen you should rejoice, my son. Let me counsel you to take your examinations with a full heart and join in next week with all your soul when the Holy Spirit shall be called down on the candidates for the priesthood who are only two classes ahead of you. Ordination Day is a time of great hope and grace for all.%u201d%u201cYes, Rector,%u201d I said and I knelt on the floor before him. I directed the movie perfectly. %u201cWill you please give me your blessing?%u201d