Page 18 - Philly Girl

2 Janice Shapiro

And I wonder about my decisions. I know that escape
and exit became my modus operandi for everything.
Would I have become so insanely driven to get out of
that morass and chaos and make something of myself?
Would I have changed my major from psychology to
nursing, and gone to Whitesburg, Kentucky, in 1972—
where I probably inhaled coal dust, possibly contributing to
my current illness?
On the other hand, would I have had the courage to
approach Dennis in 1975?
In It’s A Wonderful Life, the angel Clarence kept showing
George how, if he had not existed, things would have been
different. His brother Harry would never have survived the
ice drowning when he was a boy, and ultimately would not
have been able to save the ship transporting soldiers in World
War II. Mary would have remained unhappy and alone. His
uncle would have been institutionalized.
I wish I could go back in time and change whatever
happened in my life that caused the tumor in my lungs that
now threatens my very existence. I wish I could just write
a story that includes the moment when that cell mutation
occurred—and then do something—anything—so that it
never happened.
Unfortunately, life isn’t a fiction. I can’t just write this
one away.