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66 RULES AND THINGS NUMBER 16
If a Grown-up Ever Starts a Sentence by Saying
“Haven’t You Heard,” Get Ready, ’Cause
What’s About to Come Out of Their Mouth Is Gonna
Drop You Headfirst into a Boiling Tragedy.
67 It seems like the answer to “Haven’t you heard” always has something to
do with someone kicking the bucket. And not kicking the bucket in a calm,
peaceful way like a heart attack at home in bed either, it usually is some kind
of dying that will make your eyes buck out of your head when you hear about
it, it’s usually the kind of thing that will run you out of a room with your
hands over your ears and your mouth wide open.
68 Something like hearing that your grandmother got her whole body pulled
through the wringer on a washing machine, or something like hearing about a
horse slipping on the ice and landing on some kid you went to school with.
69 I answered, “No, ma’am,” and got my stomach ready to hear about Miss
Hill biting the dust in some way that was going to give me nightmares.
70 The librarian said, “There’s no need for you to look so stricken. It’s not
bad news, young man.”
71 She laughed a quiet, librarian-type laugh and said, “Really, it’s not bad
news. Unless you had matrimonial plans concerning Miss Hill.”
72 I pretended I knew what she was talking about, most times if you listen to
how grown folks ask a question they let you know what it is they want
to hear.
73 I said, “No, ma’am, I didn’t plan that at all.”
74 She laughed again and said, “Good, because I don’t think her
new husband would appreciate the competition. Charlemae . . .
Miss Hill is currently living in Chicago, Illinois.”
75 I said, “Husband? You mean she got married, ma’am?”
76 The librarian said, “Oh, yes, and I must tell you,
she was radiating happiness.”
tragedy A tragedy is a very sad event.
wringer A wringer is a device that squeezes water out of laundry.
stricken To be stricken is to be deeply affected by something.
matrimonial Matrimonial issues have to do with marriage.
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