Page 96 - Biblical Counseling II

Anger can harm us – chronic hostility is linked to heart disease. How, then, can we rid ourselves of our anger?
When anger fuels physically or verbally aggressive acts we later regret, it becomes harmful. Anger can lead to
prejudice. Angry outbursts that temporarily calm us are dangerous in another way: they may be reinforcing
and therefore habit-forming. If stressed managers find they can drain off some of their tension by yelling at
an employee, then the next time they feel irritated and tense, they may be more likely to explode again.
Think about it: the next time you are angry, you are likely to do whatever has relieved your anger in the past
(Myers, 2009).

What, then, is the best way to handle our anger? Experts offer two suggestions. First, wait. You can bring
down the level of physiological arousal of anger by waiting. “It is true of the body as of arrows,” noted Carol
Tavris, “what goes up must come down. Any emotional arousal will simmer down if you just wait long
enough.” Second, deal with anger in a way that involves neither being angry over every little annoyance, nor
replaying and talking about the things that make you angry. Thinking over and over inwardly about the
causes of your anger serves only to increase it. Calm yourself by exercising, playing an instrument, singing,
praying, or talking it through with a friend (Myers, 2009).

Anger does communicate strength and understanding. It can benefit a relationship when it expresses an
issue in ways that promote reconciliation rather than retaliation. Controlled expressions of anger are more
adaptive than either hostile outbursts or pent-up angry feelings. When James Averill asked people to recall or
keep careful records of their experiences with anger, they often recalled reacting assertively rather than
hurtfully. Their anger frequently led them to talk things over with the offender, and then release the anger.
Being civil to others means not only keeping silent about trivial (meaningless) irritations but also
communicating important ones clearly and assertively. A non-accusing statement of feeling- perhaps letting
one’s housemate know that “I get irritated when the dirty dishes are left for me to clean up” – can help
resolve the conflicts that cause anger (Myers, 2009).

What if someone else’s behavior really hurts you? Research commends the age-old response of forgiveness.
Without letting the offender off the hook or inviting further harm, forgiveness releases anger and calms the
body. To explore the bodily effects of forgiveness, Charlotte Witvliet and her co-researchers invited college
students to recall an incident where someone had hurt them. As the students mentally rehearsed
forgiveness, their negative feelings – and their perspiration, blood pressure, heart rate, and facial tension –
all were lower than when they rehearsed their grudges (Myers, 2009).

Take a look at the chart below. Anger is considered a “secondary emotion.” This means you have a different
reaction first, or there is an emotion below the surface. Let’s use some examples. Imagine a situation where
a friend makes a joke about you in front of a group. Everyone is laughing, and you feel embarrassed. Then
you feel angry at your friend. Imagine being stuck in traffic in Lusaka and feeling stressed. Then a car cuts
dangerously in front of you, and you get angry. Look at some of the other emotions in the iceberg and think
of situations where you had that emotion before you became angry. If we can recognize when we have the
first emotion, we can learn to think through the situation that is causing that emotion and avoid becoming
angry. Does this make sense?

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