Page 156 - The Intentional Parent

PERFEC TIONISM
My second-grade-aged daughter is a perfectionist about doing her homework. If everything isn't exactly the way she wants it, she tears it up and starts all over again. She is very bright and an excellent student. We put absolutely no pressure on her to perform at this level. Why is she doing this?
Perfectionism is an attempt to gain control during a time when you are anxious that things are out of control or about to become out of control. When she does her homework in this way, she is expressing a need to keep everything in order. The stress that is behind this need does not have to be coming directly from you. Is there anything upsetting in her life? How are things at home? Are there marital problems? Financial problems? Is she having problems with friends at school? Kids who are perfectionistic are very demanding of themselves. I suggest you spend more time with her. The more time you spend, the more likely you will hear about whatever is on her mind. A second suggestion would be to help her learn how you cope with difficult times. Tell her that when things get difficult for you, you think about how lucky you are to have such a great daughter. If she continues to fret over tiny mistakes or rip up completed homework over and over again, it would be wise to get some counseling assistance.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL
Please remember that the operative developmental theme in the minds of most ten- to twelve-year-old kids is "coolness." Cool clothes. Cool hair. Cool shoes. Cool music. Cool computer games. Coolness at any cost (but preferably at the cost of your mental health). There is a cool version of everything—none of which you could possibly know about or even be aware of,
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 156