Page 165 - The Intentional Parent

These are just some of the minor complications parents face. Dealing with sibling rivalry requires a lot of patience and a willingness to acknowledge that conflict will be ongoing in the lives of the siblings. Here are some pointers that will help you through some of the rough spots. First, there will be times when you can clearly identify who the aggressor is. Often, your older child will probably initiate most of the aggressive behavior. As he gets older, the younger one will learn how to defend himself, and be sneaky about it, too. Then it won't be so easy to tell who "started it." Whenever it is clear that one child is really getting pounded on, always give attention to the child who is the victim. Give the attention in the form of comfort, time spent alone, and special privileges. Do not reward the aggressive child with attention, even if it is negative attention. For example, don't spend ten minutes sternly lecturing the aggressive child, while the "victim" is sitting in the corner crying.
Second, when you can't tell who started it, ask for both sides of the story. While one sibling is telling you the story, interpret it to the second sibling. For instance, Jack pushed Billy and took his toy. While Billy is complaining about being pushed, you turn to Jack and say, "It sounds like Billy is upset because you hurt him and were trying to take away his toy." While Jack is complaining about Billy hogging the toy, you turn to Billy and say, "Maybe it would have been a good idea to let Jack have a turn playing. You could have shared." After both stories are told, separate the children for a few minutes so they can both cool off.
Third, learn how to recognize problems before they happen. Inoculate the children by identifying potential problems. You might say, "If you guys are going to play Nintendo, I hope you are not planning to fight over it, because if you do, I'll tell you to cut it
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 165