Page 180 - The Intentional Parent

one another. This makes the transition from residence to residence much smoother and takes a tremendous amount of pressure off the kids.
DATING NEW PEOPLE
I am a divorced woman with two kids, aged twelve and nine. I have been divorced for two years. I recently met a man who is also divorced and has two kids who are about the same age as mine. We are dating, but there are no serious commitments at this point. We would like to plan some trips and outings with all of the kids together. Could any harm come out of this type of experience?
When parents tell me that they would like their children to spend some time in the company of people they are dating I advise them to proceed very cautiously. There are some very big downsides to this situation that children should be protected from. First, let's look at the obvious potential problem, which is, what if your kids don't like the person you are dating? In this scenario, virtually everyone will feel uncomfortable. You might want your kids to like your date and accept him, but they might refuse, and you might resent them for that. Over time you might all overcome this problem and learn to tolerate one another. I don't know if this qualifies as "harming" your kids, but it is certainly a headache you can avoid.
Now let's look at the not-so-obvious downside. What if your kids really like this person? What if they even begin to love being around this person—but you don't? If you are like most people, you're not going to keep dating this person just because your kids like him. If you break off with this person and the kids like him, they will be disappointed, possibly even heartbroken. The breakup might reactivate feelings of sadness and loss from your
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 180