Page 63 - The Intentional Parent

Chapter Six Applying a Consequence
T here are parents who say they have never had to do much more than praise their children when they are behaving well to keep them on track. Other parents I have worked
with lament that everything is a struggle with their children who push back at every twist and turn, fight against every instance of someone trying to control their behavior and simply do not and will not change negative behavior. As I have been repeating, much of this has nothing to do with your competence as a parent and much to do with your child’s “temperament,” the genetic contribution to behavior. Yes, some children are born difficult, but that does not mean you cannot get them to behave. It means it might take longer to get them to behave, and it means you will be more frustrated and aggravated than parents who are lucky enough to have easier, more compliant kids. I am not going to give you a dissertation about temperament in this book. I am merely going to tell you that it is not necessary to beat yourself up if you have a difficult, strong willed and stubborn child. Applying consequences is a very important part of managing a strong willed, difficult tempered child. So, just stick with it. Your gains will likely be smaller and your progress slower, but there’s nothing you can do but your best.
The majority of parents will need to provide rewards and incentives to motivate good behavior but will also have to provide consequences for undesirable behavior -- but not hitting or spanking which I think causes more harm than good.
Notice my choice of the word “undesirable” as opposed to saying “bad behavior.” It has become frowned upon to refer to behavior
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 63