Page 83 - The Intentional Parent

Non Contingent Reinforcement
Non contingent reinforcement is a fancy way of saying, “rewarding a child for no particular reason.” Can there really be anything wrong with hanging every piece of art your child draws on the refrigerator? Is it bad to hug, kiss and say “I love you,” to your child a dozen times a day? The issue these questions are getting at is whether you should provide rewards (these are social rewards but the same goes for material rewards) for kids who don’t necessarily do anything to earn these rewards. Should a child have to earn everything?
The short answer is “of course not.” But like everything else in life, you can overdo what some parents insist is “unconditional love” but in reality is merely spoiling kids with expensive material possessions. To put it in perspective, three hundred dollar smartphones for kids who “just want them,” granting a child’s every material wish, putting no limits on spending, indulging a child’s addiction to soda and candy, unlimited media consumption is nothing short of buying your child’s attention. Same goes for over-the-top praise for performance that is below what you know your child can achieve.
The Intentions
Don’t be afraid of your kids not loving you enough. If you lead with the fear that your children will not love you, they will manipulate and disrespect you. Permit your children to be mad at you. If you have the type of child who goes ballistic, walk out of the room when he or she is having a tantrum. From a leadership perspective a tantrum is nothing more than an aggressive move to become the
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 83