Page 6 - Grace.Spring.2021

STEADFAST Please Lord, change His heart. Let His eyes be opened to you.

“God, I can’t do this anymore. I cannot live like this. Please
take his life. Let the cancer take him . . . I just can’t do this.

Soften his heart, God. Help me to love him the way he needs

and to be loved.”

DESPERATE In 2010, I sat on my bed one around and around. It was the same thing over and over,

night in the dark, tears
nothing was changing, and I felt stuck. There had to be
streaming down my face,
more to life.
praying something similar to
By 2012, still not much had really changed. If anything,
the prayer written above. My
life had become a bit harder. Austin had been on Social
husband, Austin, had been
Jessica Wall diagnosed with terminal brain Security Disability for almost 10 years due to not only his
initial prognosis, but the chemo and radiation had taken a
cancer in January 2003 and
toll on his memory, mental clarity and emotions. Now
was only given 3-5 years to
they were saying because he hadn’t died in the 3-5 year
live. We were now several
timeframe initially given, he was now okay to return back
years into that journey and
into the workforce world. Therefore, they were
his mental health had taken a
terminating his disability payments. Austin and I fought it
toll. My husband was angry
in court on our own and thankfully, while they reviewed
with God. He had a hot
his case, his payments continued. But this caused a lot of
temper and felt of very little
stress between the two of us.
value in this world. The inside
of our four walls was a very
dark place full of pornography

addiction, alcohol addiction, Again, I found myself crying out to
wild parties, depression, and God in desperation
brokenness. (We knew the
Lord, but didn’t live a life

through Him.) I loved my In desperation for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to shift. In
husband and I really wanted October of 2012, I had stumbled upon an online Christian
to like him too, but I had lost women’s ministry who posted a new blog every day. I

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, all respect for him. I just woke up every morning with anticipation of the day’s blog
for when he has stood the test, he will receive simply felt that life as we and how it would speak to my heart. I was hungry and
the crown of life, which God has promised to those who knew it could not really be as holding on to every word I read. They then began
love him.”
James 1:12 good as it gets. I felt like life promoting the marriage conference they were hosting in
was just this same revolving January 2013. I felt a huge nudge from the Holy Spirit

door going around and
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