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DUST

filY

by R. Meltzer

Old Crow

A Bigger Winner

Than You ve
’
Ever Suspected

(R. Meltzer is, in our opinion, one of the use it for a long time after you ' ve finished off about booze films, there have been a pretty
true luminaries of the literary scene. He has the contents. And that ' s the point. Here’s large number of pure booze films you know
appeared in these pates often over the past what you do: you take that famous bottle Them is one of the great booze films of all
few yean, as well as those of other magazines and fill it up with an alcoholic liquid of time, including 1954. It stars not only James
too diverse and numerous to name. He has undependable nature. The unknowing dnnkcr Whitmore but also James Arncss ( Peter
had several books published as well, including will be fooled into thinking it to be the world Graves ' s brother) and Edmund Gwenn, who
a new one. Gulchcr, which is reviewed famous Old Crow, which he has come to once played Santa Gaus (Miracle on 34th
elsewhere in this issue. His surreal, expect great things of. Instead, won 't he be in Street). Add to that the fact that it ’ s all about
UBCT-conscious autobiography, entitled Caned for a surprise! giant ants and you’ve got a suspense *filled
Out, is supposed to be published as a f usion And just what is this outstanding monster thriller booze movie. One of the
book by Outerbridge and iazard in the reputation all about? Even a child knows that great stars of the whole movie is the guy who
not too-distant future. The purpose of all this the greats of our North Amcncan past identifies that it was ants from the drunk
is to introduce Meltzer ' s column for CRF .EM, preferred Old Crow over all other bourbons ward of someplace or other. He even says that
the fint of which is here before you. If you far and wide, even though the very name it was "ants," no doubt about it, and then he
are not already familiar with his style. this bourbon has the sting of French royalty. But tells cm what it is he really wants: “’ Make me
should give you a taste (or perhaps we should dudes the likes of Andy Jackson. Daniel a sergeant, give me the booze! One great
**
say swig) of what he is up to. Webster and Hank Clay sure were blucbloods guy. Another great booze line occurs when
By the way. Meltzer ’ s fint name is in then own right. So you wouldn ’ t expect Jim Arncss first hits the scene. They ask him
Richard and he lives in the wilds of New York them to settle for just anything in their glass. why his FBI (he’s an agent) hasn ' t come up
City. - Ed.) Are you big enough to step intq their shoes? the any clues. He says something about when
Say you are because this is a tree country and he made out his application he never
you ’ re in for a real treat , honest to God! bargained for whatever it is, and neither did
Is it possible to puke in mid-sneeze? If Docs it taste like shampoo? No. It tastes the FBI. Edmund Gwenn is the world ' s
not, then you would hold back the vomit by more like shampoo in a bottle that used to greatest vcrmicologist. not even just an
sneezing and let snuff supply the sneeze. You contain rubbing alcohol. And it looks like entomologist or even a lepidoptcrist. James
can’t sneeze if your eyes arc open - that ' s a Breck shampoo, not a true major league Arncss asks Edmund Gwenq’s daughter:
rule of science - so don’t keep your eyes shampoo at all. All 1 know is it ' s easy to “Why don’t we all just speak English? Maybe
open if you can help it. And certainly don ’t drink, real easy, too easy if you ask me. Look. then we ’ d know what we ’ re talking about . * ’ A
drink anything that will have this effect on I been published, publicized, all that, but I great movie and just imagine if you were
your peepers. Barfing is often an occupational tell you I d rather drink Old Crow than write watching it on Old Crow!
'
hazard for the non- professional drinker, the a famous book. It has a heck of a lot to do There’s another great movie. Not of This
drinker for pleasure who suddenly finds his with how easy it is to dnnk . How surprisingly Earth, where these drunken guys off the
stomach in sad shape due to some easy. street get invites to this creepy guy’s house
miscalculation or other. Hut let’s leave such It’ s so easy to dump down your throat and then they get zapped by his eyes ( a killer
inevitability for another day. that a ) either it's a baffling new and exciting ray). There are three of them , 2 get it first
Old Crow is no eye opener, that’s for sure. event for the long-time drinker or b) it ’ s some the third guy secs it and says they ' re dead
Nor will it, if used correctly, lead you to the nice and easy first hit of bourbon for the drunk. Also: The Invasion of the Saucer Men.
barfroom floor. So observe the rules yourself uninitiated boozer, maybe even a poor first it ’ s about teenagers vs. outer space weirdees.
and, if you ’ d like to play a trick on others, which will only lead to disappointment at the teenagers don t drink but everybody thinks
’
here's a good idea. Take the distinctive Old occasion of other whiskeys. Maybe it ' s even a they do. it gets verified when these outer
Crow bottle itself. It ’s the one that’s more below average bourbon but it hits the right space guys inject pure alcohol into their
than just a bottle, even in pint size , what with note: below average is the whole ( booze ) system and then they get caught for drunken
that real great crow emblazoned on the glass story anyway, so how can you lose? dnving and nobody believes cm about aliens
itself. No not on the glass, it ’ s more like in the folks used to gather around the.TV set to or anything. Tough luck, that s what
'
glass or part of the glass. Mighty handsome discover “dope films” they had seen before
piece of glass is what it is. You can keep and but never realized the import of. But how CONTINUED ON PAGE 74.
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