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54 EASTERN HORIZON | FEATURES

Today, one in five Americans for our health, perhaps worse Often we find secure attachment
reports feeling lonely. This is an than getting divorced. In fact, in a spouse or family member, but
unprecedented epidemic of social how satisfied someone is in their neither a marriage license nor
isolation, one that has been decades relationships at age fifty is a better blood ties is necessary. According
in the making. When television predictor of what their health will be to Waldinger, you just need to have
worked its way into practically every at eighty than their cholesterol levels. the sense that there is at least one
home, social capital began to decline. person in life you can really depend
Fewer people connected to their As Waldinger explains, “Good on to experience the health and
communities, joined clubs, went close relationships seem to buffer well-being benefits of a relationship.
to church, or volunteered. “They us from some of the slings and
simply stayed home and had passive arrows of getting old. Our most Studying people’s whole lives—
experiences,” says Waldinger. happily-partnered men and women from childhood to old age—has
reported, in their eighties, that given Waldinger a sense of how
Fast-forward to 2017 and our lives on the days when they had more finite life is. He says that when
are chockablock with screens. physical pain their mood stayed you see the totality of a life from
This, notes Waldinger, has further just as happy.” On the other hand, beginning to end, when you see
decreased social capital. “We people in unhappy relationships there is nothing more for that
don’t talk to each other,” he says, found that their physical pain was person to become, it gives you a
“we don’t go out. So many people magnified by their emotional pain. different perspective on life.
are feeling disconnected. Online
connections can lead to real world The third key point is that strong “What is really important? What
connections, but they can also lead relationships don’t just protect our do I want to be sure I do with this
to a lack of real connection. You can bodies; they protect our brains. time, and what don’t I want to do?
have a thousand Facebook friends People in their eighties experience Of course, we can all ask ourselves
but still feel like there’s nobody you earlier memory decline when they that question at any moment, but
can call if you are sick in the middle do not feel they have someone in studying lives in this way makes me
of the night.” their life they can count on in times ask the question more often.”
of need. For octogenarians who do
If you’re going through lonely times, have such a person, their memories At the retreat he attended as his
Waldinger suggests you go and stay sharper longer. TED talk was going viral, Waldinger
received transmission to teach Zen.
serve others who are also lonely.
In the field of psychology, feeling After the ceremony, Waldinger felt
“What if you visited nursing homes?
that you have one or more people he made a terrible mistake, and that
What if you made home visits to
you can depend on when the he was the biggest imposter in the
people who are shut-ins? What if
going gets tough is called being world. Yet it was also an absolute
you tutored people who can’t read?
“securely attached.” Keep in mind thrill. “It’s a role I hope I grow into,”
There are so many ways that you
that being securely attached does he says.
could start connecting with people
not mean that your relationship is
who need connection.”
always smooth sailing. Some of the “Zen is so much about this being our
The second key point the study octogenarian couples Waldinger life—just this, whatever is coming
identified is that the quality of has studied could bicker with each up right now,” says Waldinger. “It’s
relationships is important. other endlessly. But that hasn’t brought more contentment to my
taken a toll on their memories, as life and has allowed me to step
While warm relationships are long as they feel securely attached back from some of the things I’m
protective, high conflict marriages to each other. so certain of, and then realize they
without much affection are toxic aren’t certain at all.”