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generation, which has contributed to their postponing of nuptials.
Choice paradox
With the continuous rise of social media platforms and dating apps, millennials have a considerable number of avenues to use when it comes to finding a mate (if that’s even what they are looking for; intent behind the use of these platforms is imperative to understand about
your clients). When they have found someone they are interested in exploring a relationship with, they yet again have a considerable number of avenues that could pose as a threat or deter them from fully focusing on nurturing the relationship in front of them. This often leaves individuals in a constant state
of questioning their decisions when it comes to dating and selecting a partner.
The expectations have been redefined when it comes to how to get the
love you want in the 21st Century. Millennials want committed love, but it takes a different process than what past generations have practiced and is happening years later. The consumer model of relationships in today’s world has led individuals to become more relationship shoppers and less of relationship creators.
Because you can select a partner in the palm of your hands (and reject them just as easily), relationships have become more dictated by individual needs than by effective relationship ingredients. As Terry Real (2007) states, “you don’t get
a relationship, you build it, thoughtfully and skillfully, brick by brick” (p. 4). Finding your soulmate is not as simple as swiping right and leaving the rest to fate. Nevertheless, the expectations are there.
There is also a possibility that the choice paradox and the anxiety that stems from it may contribute to the fact that more millennials cohabit prior to marriage than generations past. Nearly a quarter of unmarried adults age 25-34 are living with a partner (Parker & Wang, 2014). While it has become more socially acceptable over recent decades, more couples choose to live together to ensure it is what they both want and to test out if they will work together as a couple
when it comes to everyday life and functioning.
The decision that millennials grapple with of staying in their current relationship or seeking something elsewhere is a very real theme to consider in the therapeutic work with couples or individuals. Perel noted in an interview, “People don’t split because they’re unhappy; they split because
they could be happier” (Herman, 2015). Millennials have become conditioned to seek the next dopamine fix, in life and in relationships. The problem is that there will always be something—or someone— shiny and new to distract them from the current state of affairs in their life.
As clinicians, it will be helpful to explore where decisions of cohabitation and relationship status are coming from
for the couple, whether that be from a place of anxiety or fear, or because they truly value a certain lifestyle and belief system. Though there is no concrete research that supports cohabitation as
a predictor of marital success, many millennials opt to live together before, or in lieu of, making the finite decision about marriage.
Moving forward, separately and together
To successfully work alongside millennial couples, it will benefit any professional to become educated about the themes from which their current relationship scripts and expectations were born. Exploring cultural factors, gender roles, societal expectations,
and family of origin dynamics that influence each partner’s internal schema will help pivot this lifelong work of cultivating emotional commitment and acknowledging their own sense of self into a healthy direction.
Honoring the “otherness” of each partner and expanding the concept of differentiation within the relationship system will help these couples recognize that they can continue to maximize their own individual goals and self-fulfillment in life while also nurturing a connection and bond with a partner who is doing the same.
MFTs bring a strong awareness of systemic themes and relationship dynamics, as well as the sensitive dance of interdependence into play when working with couples. While they are more than qualified to see couples in practice, it will benefit MFTs who choose to work with today’s emerging adults and millennial couples to seek a deeper and more thorough understanding of the generational effects upon this often stereotyped population.
Liz Higgins, MSMFT,
is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas, TX, and
a Clinical Fellow
of AAMFT. She currently serves as the social media
chair of the Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. She writes an active relationship blog and also blogs for The Huffington Post and The Gottman Institute. Higgins has a successful private practice working with millennial couples and individuals, with a focus on pre-engagement, premarital, and newlywed couple dynamics and issues.
GO ONLINE >> www.lizhigginsmft.com
References
Fry, R. (2016, April 25). Millennials overtake Baby Boomers
as America’s largest generation. Retrieved from http://www. pewresearch.org /fact-tank/2016/04/25/millennials-overtake- baby-boomers.
Herman, B. (2015, February 9). Esther Perel on Tinder, Tappy and why fragile Millennials seek rejection-free sex. International Business Times. Retrieved from http://www.ibtimes.com/esther- perel-tinder-tappy-why-fragile-millennials-seek-rejection-free- sex-1810466.
Parker, K., & Wang, W. (2014, September 24). Record share of Americans have never married. Retrieved from http://www. pewsocialtrends.org /2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans- have-never-married.
Patten, E., & Fry, R. (2015, March 19). How Millennials today compare with their grandparents 50 years ago. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org /fact-tank/2015/03/19/how- millennials-compare-with-their-grandparents/#!11.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York: HarperCollins Publisher.
Real, T. (2007). The new rules of marriage. New York: Ballantine Books.
Stepler, R. (2017, March 7). Led by Baby Boomers, divorce rates climb for America’s 50 population. Retrieved from http://www. pewresearch.org /fact-tank/2017/03/09/led-by-baby-boomers- divorce-rates-climb-for-americas-50-population.
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