Page 22 - March April 2017 FTM

The changing expectations
on marriage and long-term commitment
It is critical when working with millennial couples to peel back the layers of their expectations about marriage and relationships. As MFTs, we understand the implications of rigid-thinking styles or beliefs that can impact a couple’s ability to practice empathy and intimacy with one another. This issue will most likely be prevalent with couples and individuals of the millennial generation, also called Generation Y, who were often raised by overprotective parents and driven by the value of self-fulfillment over relational literacy.
Esther Perel (2006) has taken the world of psychotherapy by storm with her contributions and cultural knowledge
of human development and couple dynamics in the modern age. Her work resonates with the challenges and factors facing millennial couples, and she acknowledges the changing status quo when it comes to marital requirements. “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.” She continues, “At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to
be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” (p. 81).
Unfortunately, many couples find themselves stuck at an impasse forged by outdated relationship rules. Twenty- first-century love is being navigated with twentieth-century skills, and
it’s not working so well for couples
who expect reciprocated vulnerability, transparent trust, friendship, emotional connection, or intimacy and desire from their partner (Real, 2007).
When millennials’ grandparents (born approximately 1928-1945) were their age, only 32% of their generation were not married. Today, at the same age,
68% of millennials are not married (Patten & Fry, 2015). Studies by the Pew Research Center report that 29% of them are not financially prepared, 26% say that they have not found someone who
Millennials are not used to the idea of settling for “good enough” when it comes to career fulfillment, financial success, or relationship satisfaction, nor is that appealing to them.
20 FAMILY THERAPY MAGAZINE
has the qualities they are looking for, and another 26% say that they are too young or simply not ready to settle down (Patten & Fry, 2015).
With a different set of expectations and credentials that are desired to be met before committing long-term, the concept of marriage has become more transactional than traditional for Generation Y. It seems that, today, marriage comes with its own touch-screen and downloadable checklist to ensure that all criteria are met before fully committing. How’s that for inducing some mild anxiety?
The pressure for perfection
Millennials are not used to the idea
of settling for “good enough” when it comes to career fulfillment, financial success, or relationship satisfaction, nor is that appealing to them. Influenced
by parenting styles that encouraged them to seek the best, reach for the
top, and to move on if something was not good enough for them, millennials have become more prone to focusing on an external checklist of criteria versus following their own internal value system at times. Relationships are judged