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by what they are lacking, not by their fertile possibilities.
Couples are faced with the inevitable predicament of compromising their own values for the sake of their relationship, or breaking it off due to the risk being in a relationship poses to their sense
of self. It is the ultimate paradox of differentiation; the pull for separateness and autonomy alongside the need for togetherness.
Millennials are placing many of their individual needs upon their partner.
In addition to striving to be the perfect person, they aim to catch the perfect partner. It will benefit couples to explore the demands and requests they place upon their relationship, and to identify if some of the needs they seek to have externally validated are better served through personal accountability or
even other outlets (friends, family relationships, community). This is not
to tarnish the bond between them,
but to encourage them to grasp the understanding that not all of their waking needs can, will, or should be met by their partner alone.
People don’t split because they’re unhappy; they split because they could be happier.
Importance of family of origin
Many millennials grew up with what have been coined “helicopter parents,” overly involved in their personal lives and education or career decision-making processes. Being told never to settle, this generation gained the title of the Blue Ribbon Generation; always striving for first place even amongst all winners, and were encouraged (or overtly/covertly pressured) to be the most successful
of the bunch. For those who grew up
in family systems that tried to strive for more balance and less competition, societal standards and norms have not made it easy for Generation Y to refute the tendency to seek the best in life and in their social circles and partners. Queue the high expectations. This most certainly impacts one’s mindset when it comes to relationships.
It will be worth the therapist’s time
in session to explore clients’ family influences and how those have shaped their mindset regarding relationships and commitment. Oftentimes, you
will hear millennials say that they want anything but the relationship their parents had, or that they hope to
have the exact same relationship that their parents did. This is valuable to understand and explore.
Millennials may launch from their family system with a heightened sense of anxiety regarding what other people think about them, pressure to satisfy
the high expectations of their parents, and difficulty with their own decision- making processes. There is also greater difficulty in establishing healthy boundaries with family members. While this has led to blunt generalizations
of millennials as being coddled, dependent on their parents, or entitled and narcissistic, exploring patterns of generational transmission can open
the door for clients to understand themselves more deeply and to challenge the legacy and values they will pass on for generations to come.
Additionally, many millennials grew up
in separated or divorced homes. With baby boomers experiencing rising divorce rates that have doubled since the 1990s, their millennial children have found themselves with a much less idealistic view of marriage (Stepler, 2017). There is a strong aversion to divorce in the millennial
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