Page 4 - Coping Skills Ten Life Rules

COPING SKILLS TEN LIFE RULES III. I shall not do for others, things that they could and should do for themselves.This Rule is not a directive to be mean, insensitive or unhelpful. It is a caution:“If you want them to be cripple, carry them.” “If you want them to be fearful, overly protect them.” “If you want them to be irresponsible, help them avoid consequences.” “If you want them to be friendless, ‘buy’ friendships.” “If you want them to be miserable, demand that life be fair.” This rule is the mirror image of Rule 2 and is the one most frequently used by parents to justify keeping Rule 2. It is our nature and that of most creatures, to want to help and protect our children. But most other creatures have an instinct about “when to say NO” and when to “push them out of the nest or den.” Most parents know when it is time or in what situations they should also say “NO” but that does not mean it is easy. We don’t like our children to be unhappy or scared or embarrassed and we frequently want to “fix it.” But we also know that at some point, they must try to fix it themselves. We have the advantage over other creatures because we can provide guidance and support as our children “try their wings.” But it is often a painful experience for them and it is easy for an adult to get frustrated or doubt themselves and end up doing the task that you know your child “could and should do for themselves.” A woman called a substance abuse clinic to ask for get help for her son who was in jail for stealing and wrecking her car. She told the therapist that she knows her son has a problem with drugs and alcohol and needs help…but that this problem was her fault. She explained that when her son was twelve, his older brother died and from that point on, she became overly protective. She took care of any problems he had with other children and at school. As he got older, she bailed him out of jail and covered his hot checks. She now realizes this was wrong and she is not going to do that anymore. The lady is eighty five years old; her “boy”is fifty two. No one wants to look back and realize that by “protecting” or “making it easier” for your child, you have not allowed them to become happy and successful adults. When those “requests” come from your child as they will, point to Rule III that you have posted on your refrigerator and say, “I would love to… but you know I don’t like to break that Rule.”