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Something you have held, seeking something to hold, hold on to it firm and fast; something you have asked for, though asking is not needed, well, stay on till the gi is granted. (SSB)
The Struggle
In 1975, upon publication of Sam’s first book, Sai Baba: The Holy Man And The Psychiatrist, we went to India for Sai Baba’s 50th birthday so that Sam could offer the book to Baba. It would be my birthday also. This time I was beer prepared with camping gear and Western food. We stayed in a small apartment with two other couples, and Sam disappeared for long periods, talking to people about his book. I was miserable. My ego was screaming for aention, and Sai Baba didn’t give me a glance.
The highest point of the trip for me was Sai Baba’s unusual arrival during the birthday festivities. As we waited for him to appear out of the temple, we heard the loud whirring noise of a helicopter overhead. Looking up, we saw the bright orange robe and crown of dark hair swoop from the sky and land in our midst. We cheered with excitement, and for one brief moment I forgot my misery and was elated. However, I was eager to return home, and I felt that Sai Baba had ignored me because he was unhappy with me, and I was certainly unhappy with him.
Despite my struggle within and my outer struggle with Sam’s intense dedication to Sai Baba, our marriage continued to deepen and mature. However, the feeling of being unloved by Sai Baba was difficult to eradicate. It was also difficult to integrate what appeared to me to be strange spiritual practices. Our busy household with four young children kept me active and running, and the idea of siing quietly in one position for hours focusing on God was not appealing. I later learned that Sai Baba emphasizes the importance of serving others with our minds centered on God in combination with other disciplines like meditation and chanting.
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