Page 28 - Through a glass brightly

I am writing a letter to the Pope to ask him if he can canonise my son’s schoolteacher. I feel like listening to Celine Dion while hoovering the garage. I don’t think I’m going to make it.
Day 16
Friday 10th April ‘My grandparents brung me a T-shirt from Tenerife’. No doubt about it: Felix won’t get the Nobel Prize for Literature either. I want to marry his teacher...I think I am beginning to lose it..
Thea is watching TV 24/7.
Ruth has started on a five-tier cake...I’m really not feeling it...
DAY 17
Saturday 11th April. I think I’m getting Tourette’s because of this f'ing simple past bullsh*t! The five-tier cake came a cropper.
I am having hallucinations: my daughter’s drawings are talking to me..
DAY 18
Sunday 12th April. For the first time in my life, I have prayed to God.
DAY 19
I ate the page on the simple past from the grammar book. Problem solved.
DAY 20
I spent all day looking for the dog - we’ve lost it.
DAY
Sh*t, I just remembered, we don’t have a dog! I am having my fifth beer of the day. Thea looks like a rabbit suffering from myxomatosis.
DAY 30
36th April. I am sure I have just seen Felix’s teacher in the field behind our house: she was walking her grammar book on a lead.
I think I’ll have another beer.
ThisDAY 31
My teeth are itching, I am sweating through my eyes. I realise that my underpants are the wrong way around and since I wear them above my pyjamas, I look even sillier...
DAY 32
37th April 2028. There is no more flour in the shops, Ruth is prostrate on a chair in the kitchen, she is talking to the oven.
Felix is trying to divide the simple past. Thea is drooling in front of the television. The gin has run out. Help...
DAY 40
It’s the year 3020 after my stepmother. We seem to have gone back into time... Weird things are happening. There is a lady in my kitchen crying while watching the oven and I’ve no idea who she is. And there’s a little girl sitting in the corner sneering at me... it’s really creeping me out. Anyway, I can’t remember who I am and why I am writing this. This is the end...
DAY 50
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