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Brother, Sisters, Strangers

The Effects of Sibling Estrangement

By Fern Schumer Chapman

Photos courtesy of Fern Schumer Chapman

y only brother and I losses. I no longer was a • Adolescents who perceived
Mdidn’t speak to each sister, sister‐in‐law, or aunt. that their siblings validated
other for nearly 40 years. My children had no cousins and valued them reported
During that time, I often felt on my side of the family. I higher levels of self‐esteem.
I was in a state of grief as I dreaded birthdays, holidays, • Sibling support correlates
mourned the living. weddings, funerals, family with better academic per-
In many ways, endur- get‐togethers—any and formance.
ing the loss of a familial every possible encounter • Sibling support and close-
relationship is a greater with my brother or, perhaps ness were associated with
challenge than accepting the worse, with his glaring lower levels of loneliness
death of a loved one. Death, absence. and depression. family member may over-
after all, is final, and it is Even when estrange- whelm one sibling, creating
not a personal rejection. ment is a clearheaded choice Still, some siblings, resentment at an unevenly
Some estranged siblings to move forward from abuse particularly those who come shared burden.
describe their suffering as or unbearable discord, the from dysfunctional families, • Parental illness, death, or
“a bad tooth that’s always cutoff leaves disconnected often are at risk for a cut- inheritance: In this stage,
pulsating with pain” or “a siblings in a world of secre- off. I was surprised to learn siblings may compete again
wound that never heals.” cy and shame. Estrangement that there are risk factors for power, love and family
The loss can leave the aban- feels like an utter contra- for estrangement, including: loyalty, and conflicts may
doned with a gnawing sense diction of the very nature • Family trauma arise over health care, pay-
of unlovability and lack of of family, an aggressive • Parental favoritism ment for an elderly parent,
worth that ripples into a sib- rejection of the fundamen- • Poor communication skills and inheritance.
ling’s self-esteem, his or her tal way most living creatures • Family values, judgments,
ability to trust, ultimately organize themselves. choices, such as lifestyle or Given the long,
affecting relationships with After all, siblings are our partners. devastating reach of es-
acquaintances, friends, and first playmates. In child- trangements, Dr. Robert
other family members. hood, brothers and sisters Certain life stages that Waldinger, a psychiatrist
“If I can’t trust my only inculcate in one another require family members and professor at Harvard
brother to have a rela- necessary social quali- to redefine their roles are Medical School and the
tionship with me,” wrote a ties—tolerance, generosity, particularly perilous for sib- fourth director of the study,
respondent on the survey I loyalty—that eventually lings. These turning points recommends people reach
created, “whom can I trust?” shape their adult relation- include: out to relatives they haven’t
In my case, making ships. Siblings typically • Adolescence: A teenage spoken to in years. “Those
matters worse, I didn’t know spend more time together sibling creating his or her all‐too common family
why my brother had cut me than with anyone else; for own identity may leave feuds,” he says, “take a terri-
off, and I never discussed the fortunate, those rela- home for college or a job, ble toll.”
it with anyone. Instead, I tionships endure through changing the established Now reconciled for
ruminated endlessly about decades, often outlasting sibling relationships and seven years, my brother’s
the break, wondering what I friendships and marriages. dynamics in the family. and my renewed connection
had done to cause the break Recent studies show that • Marriage: A new brother- is a treasure for our elderly
and how I could fix it. siblings are an emotional or sister-in‐law may seek to mother and our children.
Support groups for the cornerstone to emotional reduce and/or control the In addition, as the Harvard
estranged exist, but many health. In fact, the longest couple’s involvement with study reported, we have
who endure this trauma are study of well-being -- the one side of the family. found the loving presence
reluctant to join. Most who Harvard Study of Adult De- • Birth of a baby: As a sibling of a brother or sister brings
can’t get along with a sibling velopment underway since focuses on his or her new rewards well beyond our
-- roughly one out of three 1938 -- identified a close family, some may feel aban- relationship.
people -- don’t want to tell relationship with a sibling doned or betrayed. Siblings
their heartbreaking stories, during college years as a re- may even compete with Fern Schumer Chap-
so they suffer in silence, liable indicator of emotional each other through their man is author of Brothers,
isolated twice -- from a sib- health in later life. children. Sisters, Strangers: Sibling
ling and from social support Additional research • Divorce or illness: The Estrangement and the Road
against the loss. reinforces the value of pos- physical, emotional, and to Reconciliation and co-
The estrangement with itive sibling relationships. financial responsibilities of host of the Brothers, Sisters
my brother resulted in other Various studies have shown: helping a sick or divorcing Strangers podcast.

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