Page 16 - 2019 EMERGING WRITERS FELLOWSHIP ANTHOLOGY1

Ansias y Alegrἰa; Esalen in Twelve Movements

Ansias – a Spanish adjective for anxious; experiencing worry, unease, or
nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an
uncertain outcome.

1.

On the drive from San Jose to Big Sur, I listen to one of the three, free, XM-Satellite-Radio
stations in the rental car – Prime Country. It’s a station with 1980’s country songs, artists

like Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Earl Thomas Conley. I’m on a solo road trip in
California, listening to songs I haven’t heard since my younger days in Papa’s pick-up

truck.

Not used to the crowded & hurried California traffic, I drive on excited but cautious,
turning the radio up when the Dolly and Kenny Rogers song comes on, and I sing along,

“Islands in the stream, that is what we are…”

Ten minutes driving on the historic state California Highway 1, the ancias hit. The cliffs

and water and curving asphalt. Tourists walking the white line of the road, gathering their
photos of the glorious view. Ancias hit. I grip the steering wheel. Tight. There’s ten cars

behind me, on my ass, no where to stop or slow down. Take a breath. Turn up the radio.
The ocean on the right, mountain on the left. Palms of my hands are sweaty, my heart

beating too fast.

And for the first time in my life, I get ancias at the height of the cliffs versus the ocean

water below, and the curving road. “What the hell?” I ask myself, “I’ve NEVER been afraid

of heights!”, and yet here I am, driving along the California coast, quietly terrified,
suddenly, the road winding, the cliffs edging themselves closer and closer to the asphalt

road at every turn.

What’s a desert-daughter doing in coastal-California? Exhilarating and unfamiliar all at

once? And why for the first time in my life do I seem to be afraid of heights? Is it the
winding road? The power of the sea? Or the realization that I may not belong here? What

am I doing here?

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