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share their work at the Student Readings. My routine of morning writing with a cup of tea
and looking up from my Macbook, seeing Jasmin’s sharp focus on her own work,
undoubtedly crafting something beautiful. The shared bottles of wine with an open seat
at our unofficial fellows table, opening the door to whichever new friend wanted to join
us. The handholding moments with Maysam as we guided each other through the dimly
lit paths to the baths. The unexpected intimacy of bearing your body in water to strangers.
Reggie and I talking over each other with noisy excitement, gushing to Leanna about how
incredible her quickly-penned piece was for her student reading. The routine of it all, like
catching DeLon smiling to himself or Fred’s numerous, nevertheless touching reminders
to the whole group. These are the shared experiences that held me down in my moments
of self-doubt.
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When I feel small, I remember the animals that rule my head. On the road trip back to
LA, Reggie, DeLon, Renee (another participant we met), and I learned we were all
Scorpios. I racked my brain trying to figure out the correlation between Scorpios and
writing. What about that sign makes us want to bare ourselves through words with no
guarantee of an outcome? I think about the unassuming size of scorpions, never any
bigger than twelve inches and how much power their little bodies hold. About how much
venom they contain, and how ultimately they kill to survive. I wonder if scorpions have
ever had to kill parts of themselves to survive, sacrificing a leg or maybe eyesight to keep
themselves living. I question how many parts of myself I’ve killed off in the name of
survival. The tenderest parts, I’m sure. I think about how on the last night, all the fellows
and instructors sat around a table for our last meal, pulling cards from an Animal Oracle
deck. There was a special magic that had been guiding us all week, a magic that felt like
some sweet combination of being on Essalen land and the chemistry formed between us
fellows. So much so that I was not surprised when both Maysam and I drew a mouse from
the deck. That creature, small and nearly invisible until all noises stop. That’s when you’ll
find me, sneaking out of the corner, making something of shards and other broken things.
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