Page 9 - 2019 EMERGING WRITERS FELLOWSHIP ANTHOLOGY1

When people talk about suicide awareness, they always harp on the idea that people
should “reach out” and ask for help. I have grown to disdain this idea, at least for myself.

Providers do not know how to deal with me, at least not in my area. I have known too
many people try to kill themselves or struggle with addiction to know that the care here is

sub-par, and it drives more trans people to their graves than not. The best thing that
happened to me since I came back from writer’s camp was that I was unjustly and

unceremoniously fired earlier this week. Overnight, some writing opportunities have
opened up for me, and I am trying to go back to school in the fall.

Today I went to therapy for the first time in three months and told my therapist that I am

no longer suicidal. I am going to commit myself to writing, completely and totally. I was

lost in a soul-sucking situation, but Esalen helped me find my purpose. The mouse spirit
showed me that I needed a meaningful project, to combat my fear and obsession to control

the outcome. In the way that my untamed spirit fires up when I try to access my creative
space, I have to let the reins go.

I was scared that Esalen was going to domesticate me, or tone me down. I didn’t want to

be palatable, or to fit in some box. I wanted my unseen parts to be seen. Now that I have

bared it all, I won’t go back. It seems like I can’t go back at this point. I don’t know how
else to live without continuing to tell my story. I have seen how my truth heals people,

and I already know that when I heal myself, I am healing my ancestors as well, both in
blood and in my greater queer and trans community. I’m not capable of fitting into what

the world wants me to be. I love myself enough now to know that the world is what needs
to change, and Esalen gave me the strength to see that this is what I am meant to do. So

from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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