Page 45 - 2019 EMERGING WRITERS FELLOWSHIP ANTHOLOGY1

All so slightly, and some may say, unintentionally racist. Well-meaning gone awry. I

realized quickly that I was not the only one on the outside of where we were.

I, like my fellow fellows, couldn’t believe we were welcomed in because of our writing
abilities. That’s what writers share, self-deprecation and it was in abundance that week.

It became important to us that we remind each other that we were in this space because
of merit. Afterall, it was us seven, Delon, Fred, Maysam, Leeanna, Jasmine, Fullamusu

and I who were chosen based off our talent to come to Esalen and learn from
authors/teachers that were otherwise out of our reach. It was in this community that I

was found, where I forgot who I was back home and made peace with always feeling on
the outside. If being on the outside lead me to people that reminded me that I can be kind,

loving, an artist and a friend well then, I guess those years of being lonely was not in vain.

Knowing that this world was coming to an end on the following Saturday panged me. I

found myself not enjoying my classes because I wasn’t writing anything profound and I
struggled to think clearly. How could I have had this life changing experience where I felt

worthy as a writer and a person, yet I was now full of fear that I would have to return to
isolation?

My story is a cautionary one that I think a new fellow can learn lots from. For one thing,
you belong everywhere your feet touch. I still must remind myself of this today. When

you’re at Esalen do not be afraid to be alone or to eat more free bread than you think you
should. Don’t worry if you don’t have the same clothes, laptop, writing ability or the same

face as those around you. You were brought to this sacred land to be yourself in any way
that is comfortable to you. Be kind to yourself and more importantly, patient. You may or

may not write your best work here and that is OK. You are meant to just be while there.

Take many pictures without fear of being seen “not enjoying the moment” take a dip
without your clothes, or not, and don’t be afraid to step outside of the fellow’s circle and

introduce yourself to people. And for God’s sake, I hope you like Quinoa!

We as writers, I hate to say, are almost made to be on the outside. It’s so much of what we
are made to do; write about the unspoken or create worlds that do not exist. I take it as a

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